Faith.

In times when no words or tears can describe the depths of heartache... 

Help me cling to Your promises. 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Phil 4:6-7

“Where children hide, and adults don’t know—this is school.”

This post too, has been a work-in-progress for well over half a year, so FYI, any "time" words from here on after, are most likely inaccurate :)

In preparation for my Korea (and Thailand) trip, my language and cultural preparations escalated tenfold - do I hear excuses? In all seriousness, with some of the challenges I have been facing at home for the month of January, I needed an outlet to remove myself from reality, even if it were only an hour a night. And so, I happily watched two rather lighthearted K-dramas in a row, and finished my third one not too long ago. It's a record, for better or for worse.

I would not, however, characterize the third series - School 2013 - as lighthearted, but it did come at a time when I was more mentally and emotionally prepared as the situation at home has at the very least, stabilized. Initially, I thought it would be a dumb show. The title of the drama in and of itself does not possess much charm, and for me, at quarter-life, to be watching an entire drama series on high school life is just embarrassing. But with one chingu's recommendation, I gave it a try, and am so glad that I did!

The series begins with the voice over of a seasoned seonsaengnim (teacher), "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Where children hide, and adults don't know - this is school." That alone was sufficient for me to anticipate depth to the series. Surely it did not disappoint.

The series was engaging, charming, heart-felt, and real. And totally up my alley. Best yet, it carried through without any heavy romantic focus! Instead, it was saturated with hard-core bromance, friendship, and fully reflected the many problems of modern society. The saying 學校是社會的縮影 (school is a miniature of society) is an accurate description, even a sad reality at times, but still hopeful nonetheless.

Hilarious: this series appeared to be so low-budget that these kiddos even slept with their school uniforms on (minus the jacket)! Can you even imagine? I just can't stop laughing.

Post-drama thoughts and lessons:

BEING A SEONSAENGNIM - If I had more guts to deal with classroom management, public speaking, and actually had a subject I wanted to teach on, being a teacher for disadvantaged youth would have been a career option. A teacher is on the front-line of impacting the next generation, and I'd love to be a part of that. Despite my insecurities, I have actually had my fair share of "teaching experiences", from the occasional small-group leading, to teaching the young, the old, the native or non-native English speakers, arts and crafts, ESL, and even topics on job-readiness. Even years after, however, I still find teaching challenging and completely out of my comfort zone, but it is undeniably very rewarding to witness my students' growth. Heart-warming! It's unfortunate that teachers nowadays receive little respect, and the teachers who genuinely care for the welfare of the students are usually entangled in a bureaucratic and faulty system that, in the end, robs the students of a potentially good education and an adult role model. All other things aside though, consider the craziness that comes with being a school teacher: if I were a school teacher in Asia, I would be concerned over the high rates of suicide among students. If I were a school teacher in the U.S. I would be scared for the lives of my students and for that of my own! You just never know with the escalated school shooting incidents in recent years. It seems like anyone can get angry, go crazy, whoop out a gun, pull the trigger, shoot everyone, and call it a wrap with a suicidal attempt. Eek! Anyway, back to the show. Because there was also a decent emphasis on the struggles and rewards of being a teacher for the hopeless, pathetic class, I felt less lame watching a show about high school kids. In fact, I saw a bit of myself in seonsaengnim Jung (yes, to defend myself, I watched from the perspective of the adults in the show). Her strengths and weaknesses, I identified with. Maybe that is why the series was particularly engaging for me. She was perhaps an overly attached "ssaem". Her compassion would not allow her to give up even on that one. black. sheep. I admit, that is idealistic thinking at times, but I also would vouch for her, that sometimes it does take this type perseverance, or stubbornness, to see another person through.

I had my fair share of such sentiments when coaching some kids (and I call them kids, but really they are young adults who are just shy of a few years of being my peer) at work on basic interviewing skills and witnessing their progression towards obtaining employment. Encouraging them, motivating them, scolding them, in all, has been quite the journey. Oh what a difference from our first class! I almost felt like a ssaem noona hybrid today. Some highlights:

• These boys, compared to how they were before, are getting a bit too comfortable with me - mischievous little ones SNEAKING UP ON ME AND SCARING THE BIDAZZLES OUT OF ME in front of 99 ranch. Ha. You're gonna get it you two! I suppose this is part of being a "young" teacher. Comes with the job :)
• LF hopped into my car and voluntary chatted it up with much more depth than he realized and what I imagined him capable of (semi-quoting from the most recent k-drama I've been watching - Answer Me 1994 - one character says sincerity cannot be forced, and sure enough this sincerity happened naturally upon LF's own initiative)
• LF shared his his thoughts on life, ambitions, expressed opinions, and asked for mine. In response, I affirmed him that he has much more "内涵" (substance) than he thinks and that he should not box himself in as "that type of kid" who did not graduate from high school, is not good at studying, cannot make it through college at this age, and will end up hanging out with the same group of friends who also have no substance in their talk. In the end, I don't think he was convinced, but hopefully a seed was planted.
• While waiting for his turn for the interview, LF "rushed" out to "get a breath of fresh air". I gave him THE LOOK (having reminded him twice about not smoking before an interview), he turned back at the door almost in eye-rolling but willing obedience, and grumbled "i woooon't smokeee". As for me me? Satisfactory grin, of course!
• Interview debrief: when I heard how he applied some of the answers our staff has been so diligently teaching him, when I saw his smile after the high five, and when I saw him rushing off to smoke a cig after reporting the interview details (yes, what a drag, you've been holding out for the past two hours. Good grief boy, watch your health!) I felt that this confidence he experienced, a belief that he could learn and succeed step-by-step with hard work, is perhaps the greatest thing I could have offered aside from the actual job.
• Friendship: I enjoyed watching LF and BY's interactions and loved that the job-readiness workshops facilitated this friendship :) As new immigrants, it is so important to find belonging in a community!

ACADEMIC SNOB, SOCIETAL BRAT - there was one particularly despicable character in the series,  the elite of the class who was so consumed by her pursuit of academic success that, literally, everything else did not matter, including her exploded (not exploding) ego that caused disrespect for others. The teachers made a good point: the sad reality is that these brats are the ones who will end up making it to the top universities, involving themselves in leadership positions, and acting as the future governmental leaders. Um, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want no brat like her dictating the direction of a company, an institution, a city, country... or even a friend's life. With this particular profile, academic guidance and counseling is not what the individual needs. If the teacher is not or cannot fulfill the role of the "social worker" or even just a "mentor", hopefully there can be some collaboration with other school staff to whoop some important life lessons into the life of this student.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE - As an aspiring social worker, one of my favorite quotes and most important takeaway from this series is this:

"The kids are too heavy for me" 

"They are heavy because you are trying to be responsible for them until the very end. Teachers are to just support the kids during the time they pass us. During that time, if a connection is built between the student and the teacher, it's great. Even the kids who are left alone out in that cold world, will not go astray because of that connection."

This is something I will keep with me forever. When you develop a relationship with a client, when you see them improving, when you see them walking in a direction that you disapprove of but cannot keep walking with them, you need to remember, I need to remember, that we cannot be responsible for this individual until the very end.

I had several similar experiences, some even prior to my watching of School 2013. 

1. Discipleship: I only had 3 months with my disciplee before I graduated from college and God really challenged me to prayerfully consider what would be most beneficial for her. In the end, it was learning how to study the Bible. That was the tool, skill, and heart I wanted to leave her with because that will serve as the foundation for her future spiritual growth, for her discernment between Biblical and false teachings, and for her continual love for the Lord. It wasn't the mere study of theology, though that is absolutely important, it wasn't just the study of what a Godly woman looks like, though that is extremely helpful. Understanding God's Word had to be the source, the foundation, for it all.
2. Philippines: I met the cutest, most heart-warming Filipino family in one of the rural slums during my first missions trip. They were not in a good condition at all, especially the youngest. At age 2, she was still unable to stand due to quite severe malnutrition. This was a family I bonded with the most and even sent a little photo/frame with Bible verse to. Yet, even the pastor in the PH did not know of their whereabouts after a period of time and in the end, all we can do is entrust that family to the Lord and trust that God used us in a tiny part of His plan to reveal Himself to that family.
3. LF and BY: They actually quit their job soon after they started and decided that they wanted to move to another state for higher pay and for a forced-English learning environment. To be honest, I was extremely mad and wanted to punch a hole in the wall, but slowly realized, yes, it was detrimental to program numbers and stressful for the team to deal with, but this is something that the two kids had to experience and learn for themselves. Perhaps their decision would benefit them. Perhaps they will come running back and realize that we had their best interest in mind. Who knows. But I learned to let it go and hope that whatever they learned in the job-readiness classes and also through personal conversation, that they would take that with them. 
4. Client: I only have one semester left with one of the clients I have been conducting weekly meetings with at my current field placement. He is an individual with high-functioning ASD. I am starting to think hard about what I want to leave him with that would best help him move forward even without my being there for him. Confidence? Ability to advocate for himself? 

It is natural to want to know the ending, especially if you've already invested so much in a person, but we don't always have the luxury of that, especially in the social services profession. Good reminder. Important reminder. Needed reminder going forth. 

Paul puts it well, especially in terms of evangelism: "I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth" - 1 Cor 3:6. We are given different responsibilities in bringing the Good News to others, perhaps we will plant the seed, perhaps we will get to see the person come to know the Lord, but ultimately it is God who moves and God who causes the growth! And... I shall leave you with that. 안녕 (annyeong)!

You Spoke My Heart.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a year now. It is about time I actually call it a wrap and move on to, well, another unfinished post... heh. Anyway, I owe this post to all of Facebook's stalkerish glory and am utterly grateful to have stumbled across a middle school friend's blog because of my occasional stalking habits :)

The following three articles spell out every thought and emotion that I, for years, was unable to gather for myself, let alone explain to some of my closest friends. I wish I had come across these earlier! They would have, at the very least, alleviated my confusion and distress in trying to get others to look beyond the confines of the "Asian-Americans" and "Fob" stereotypes. There were times I felt like I was both and other times I felt like neither. It was never so simple of a definition, to the surprise of many.

The differences between Asian-Americans and Third Culture Kids
Third Culture Kids "don’t want to choose one thing over another. They want to have both."
"Experience is what identifies you, and the Asian American and TCK experiences are ultimately different."

Borrowed identities my life as a Third Culture Kid and an accidental Asian-American
"When someone asks the dreaded “Where are you from?” to an Asian-American, it means something different to them than it does to a Third Culture Kid. To most Asian-Americans, it’s an offensive question, because it’s a form of micro-aggression, a soft rejection that designates them as “others” and denizens, people who are forever foreigners and don’t belong in a land they feel is rightfully their home as well for being born in or immigrating to, and adopting the values and attitudes of being an American. To them, it’s denying them the American Dream because of their race."

The Japanese tale of Urashima Taro on home repatriation Third Culture Kids Asian Americans and my father
"Is home a place where my dog and my lover await with the door open and a loving embrace to welcome me with? Is home a frame of mind like paradise is? Some say the answers come from within, but I say the best way to discover who I am is to travel and find what is habit, what is adopted culture or behavior, and what within me remains constant wherever I go."

"Home is where the heart is" is actually a very accurate statement. I shall expand upon that later, but nothing too serious or in-depth because the articles practically spoke it all for me. Some of you may have witnessed my episodes of nostalgia, pockets of I-really-miss-my-childhood-friends, vents about why I cannot be in Asia right now, complaints of why no one understands, and bundled up anger at those trying to confine me with their stereotypical understanding of who I am. First, thank you for listening and sharing my emotional moments even if you may not fully understand my experiences and sentiments. Second, as my close friends, I hope that those articles will help you better understand my occasional strange behavior that I myself even lacked the words for. And third, forgive me for placing a verdict - that you are stereotypical and ignorant - on you when I never clearly explained my sentiments to you in the first place.

For a long time, I tried to be as American as possible to fit in with my predominantly ABC community. To a certain extent, I was able to, but that effort robbed me of my true cultural identity. Ironically, shifting to the other extreme proved futile as well. I looked at the "fobs" at my high school and could not identify with them either. And for a long time, that was my confusion. What "type" of person could I really identify with?! If you really want to know more, you can read my "Stirrin up a big commotion" post, or any other post really because this topic is a juicy topic for me to discuss, all day, any day :P

I have returned to the U.S. for over a decade now and still, I continue to learn about myself, about this "phenomenon", and am increasingly convinced that regardless, it will never be HOME until I see Jesus face to face. As years went by though (ha, and I'm talking as if I'm well into my 70's or something bizarre like that), I've come to realize that different people and experiences are really at the heart of "home". And cultures and languages fall under that too. I listen to Korean and Spanish music when I think of certain people or am away from what makes up most of "home". I listen to Chinese music when I feel suffocated in an overwhelmingly white-washed Asian-American environment. I listen to English music when I feel tongue-tied from speaking too much Chinese in a day. I need to find people to say "akheyyy" to even though my Armenian goes as far as that and "ut mek ut". I would randomly throw out random Korean or Spanish words. I would randomly switch from English to Chinese and vise versa - whatever bests expresses my thoughts and sentiments in the moment. There are just some things you can't translate! Don't even get me started on food. Honestly, most of these things are quite superficial. I am not very engaged or well-versed in "traditional" Chinese or American things. Just little bits and pieces here and there. Perhaps it is a combination of those little things that make up a part of home for me too because that is how my family rolls! It is all a balance and it really is about what I need in the moment to feel complete, and well, at home!

And to conclude, I will respond to the last phrase from the last quote I posted up: "...and what within me remains constant wherever I go" :God.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" - Hebrews 13:8
"For the mountains may depart and the hills may be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you" - Isaiah 54:10.

The New Year (many days late)

It certainly has been a long time since I last posted, mainly because I was working very hard, day in and day out, to edit and re-edit my personal statement, but alas, I am DONE! I caught up on the tad bit of vegging that I have been looking forward to for so long, so here I am, finally gathering myself to reflect a bit upon the year 2012 - but really, I probably left out a lot considering I can barely remember what happened a week ago.

edit // Sorry there is no reflection actually. Did quite a lousy job with this post aside from "informing", but I don't have the energy or time or mood to further this way overdue post. The reflection will just have to come later.

Milestones accomplished and memorable things:
and I'll start with ones I have no photos to accompany with first. 

- Submitted my MSW application for my only school of choice
- Learned that my writing is actually much better than what I had known it for my entire life
- Improved my Chinese by leaps and bounds, thanks to work 
- Retained my Espanol Rosetta Stone license with the monthly hour minimum requirement
- Met one of the most inspirational and down-to-earth management-level people ever - A.R.
 - Food Fair craziness

Now for some photos of other (non-exclusive) memorable events
Excuse the spacing and weird alignment. Not sure why it's doing that.

Trip with friends to the Big Apple!

Broadway Musical LIVE in NY! so worth it.



Parasailing!






Parasailing - dip!



Jason Mraz live at the Hollywood Bowl!






Mraz - SUCH a great musician and live performer!



First NBA game EVAR! Clippers Vs. Suns!






Even a first in the Staples Center. ha!



A visit from my dear childhood friend whom I have not seen for 6+ years






Tim Be Told!






Good friend's bridal shower :)






Good friend's bachelorette!



Partook in joyous occasion of close friend's wedding as a bridesmaid :)

Record! 2 years in a row seeing JoAnne; met Sameh for the first time!

 

Dumbfounded.

It was only several weeks ago that I discovered this apparently off-the-hook famous, what I would call 人氣旺盛 character by the name of 張杰 from the Mainland, not to be confused with the Taiwanese 張傑. I first discovered him in Wilber Pan's new video 愛x愛 (love x love), a Mainland Taiwan collaborative to support the "I Want to Go to School" campaign. Two things stuck out to me. 1) His vocals, and 2) the fact that he wore a wedding ring.

Soon enough, I found myself looking up this "new" artist and some of his works. Obviously, he really isn't that new, I am just usually extremely slow when it comes to pop culture - 慢人一拍 (slower than others by a beat) is the sad reality. Anyway, one of the few songs that made it to the top of my list is "First Lady" 第一夫人. Cute concept and sweet, especially since he was so obviously in love with his then girlfriend, and now, wifey - hence the ring! Little did I know...

This favorite of mine was actually composed and conceptualized by none other but my favorite Wang Lee Hom. You can imagine how dumbfounded I was upon making this discovery... as in. ARE. YOU. SERIOUS? I really cannot escape WLH for life! Per Xiao Zhang's request (but with no response for quite a while), WLH came up with the genius idea of "first lady" for not only Xiao Zhang's lovebird fans, but also (maybe even more so) a gift to and representation of him and his lover. Lee Hom popped a mini demo in good ol' Lee Hom fashion - keys, humming to the envisioned chorus melody, and ending it with a to-die-for 我的第一夫人 (my first lady). Explanation? You do not need to be the president to have a first lady. Your loved one IS your first lady. Cute or whaaaat?



Now, moving on to the crazier.

Last night, in my slightly obsessive trance, I posted the following on my secret  weibo (a.k.a. chinarr twitter account):

最近才開始聼張杰先生的作品。除了他的聲音以外，另外一件讓我非常感動的事就是他可能是在演藝圈比較年輕，結了婚以後還一直帶著婚戒的男生！敬佩。so cute!
Roughly translates to: I only recently started listening to Mr. Zhang Jie's work. Aside from his vocals, another touching thing that I noticed is that he is probably one of the few married youngins in the entertainment circle who still continually wears his wedding ring after his wedding! Respect. so cute!

When I checked back today for my daily post, I almost thought I ridiculously signed into the wrong account because there were notifications for 130+ comments, 550+ retweets, and a good 10+ new followers. HOW IN THE WORLD DID PEOPLE COME ACROSS MY POST when I did not even tag the guy! or his wife! Talkin' bout crazy-on-it fans! Not to mention how I now have random followers of my definitely not famous life (thank God I never post anything private on that thang)! What just happened?! 張杰 is really a phenomenon over there. Unbelievable!

Thanks to my Chinese clients, I now have a much better grasp and understanding of Mainland accented Chinese, but I think my mandarin will always sound more Taiwanese. The influences set foot at an early enough age to make current change difficult.

These Vagabond Shoes [Part I]

For many years, my count for countries-traveled-to have been much higher than that of states-traveled-to. I still have ways to go before the state count surpasses the country one, but at least I can now happily add one more state to my measly list of three! If you did not already pick up on the reference of my blog post title, it is a phrase from the classic, New York, New York. Yes! I finally made a six day trip to the Big Apple with two other hao peng you's just about a month ago.

Taken on top of the Empire State Building

Let's just say that it was not at all your average relaxing vacation. In fact, for the duration of the trip, all I could think of was FOOT MASSAGE, please, somebody, anybody! I would like to think that I have a decently high tolerance for massive amounts of walking, so I will blame it on my incompetent shoes. Also, to my defense, the average New Yorker surely does not walk the amount we did each day, right?! I mean, as non-frequent-returning tourists, we naturally had to hit up as many tourist attractions as possible!

"How do you like New York?"
Honestly, I think my sentiments differ slightly from the song New York, New York. I do not know if "I want to be a part of it" quite yet. My stance is neutral at this point. I do not dislike it, but I do not necessarily feel a strong desire to immerse myself in the big city. I will probably have to live there for a while to hash out a stronger opinion towards this seemingly coveted place of stay for the gloriously energetic young adult years. I think I will always, always be a California girl though : ) Actually, I even left feeling a bit anxious and fearful should I need to move there for grad school. Somehow, I feel like a bit of a misfit in much of my interests and preferences compared to the supposed norm there, but again, I would need to live there and experience it for myself to come to a more solid conclusion because my basis of comparison at this point is with my friends who currently work and attend grad school there. Good to gather insight, but bad to compare.

Because it has already been a while since my return and because I already have other subject matters lined up for blogging, this entry will unfortunately be put to a halt. Perhaps I will make a part II come back some day with some gorgeous photos and highlights because there were definitely many despite my seemingly lack of crazy enthusiasm for the city!

"Another virtue of Los Angeles is getting to sing in the car"

An awesome excerpt from the very words of the good looking Joseph Gordon Levitt.

"I lived in New York for nine years, and I decided to move back to L.A. because I like having a space where I can just freak out if I want to. I have a house where I can yell at the top of my lungs. In New York, if you start singing at the top of your lungs, no matter where you are on the island of Manhattan, someone’s going to hear you. Another virtue of Los Angeles is getting to sing in the car. I miss that when I’m out of town. Even though the traffic’s a bitch, it’s nice to have such a private environment to listen to music.

Los Angeles is a hard city to show to people because I think what’s charming about it are the people. It’s not like New York or Paris, where I’ll take you to this great neighborhood and we’ll walk around and it’s gorgeous. L.A. doesn’t really have that. When friends are in town, what I’m excited to do is introduce them to other friends of mine, and that usually happens at someone’s house. When you’re in New York City, you’re in New York City, and it defines a lot of your experience. But when you’re in L.A., you can make your own experience. There’s so much more space, you have the room to make your own world." 

I've never lived in NY, but this is such an interesting, insightful, and silly way of making LA look so. good! I think I agree though : ) I must look absolutely ridiculous in the car.



For the full article, please visit LA Mag. I am currently on a writing hiatus, mainly owing to a horrendous episode of writer's block. Feeling so uninspired as of late. Ugh. Let's hope my NY post will make an appearance before a topic of greater interest comes up.

Hand Prints.

July 5th, 2012 - today - marks my one year anniversary as a full-time staff at the IRC. It was a very unique day that allowed for me to reflect upon my journey up to date, a "today" happening that looks towards the future, and also a monumental first accident after 6 years of driving - got rear ended on the freeway on my way home from work. If you do not want to read on, which I do not blame you for as it will not differ from most of my other posts in length, just know that God's hand prints couldn't have been more obvious in these instances, and in my life.

THE JOURNEY FROM ART TO SOCIAL WORK

As some of you may know, my undergraduate studies was in art... sort of... "Interdisciplinary Computing and the Arts". It was something along the lines of art, computer science, and culture combined. HATED computer science to my guts! Consequently, I focused more on graphic and web design, which led to my minor in Cognitive Science with an emphasis on Human Computer Interaction. I enjoyed the HCI courses much more, hands down. At the end of the day though, I realized what kept me motivated to get through the challenges of a design process was not my love for art itself, but the subject matter in which I was designing for. That was a first step, a solid hint for my eventual career switch. Fast forward a grueling, persevering year of job searching (in all realms, I even applied for Tea Station...) and diligence at the International Rescue Committee as an intern, an assistant caseworker position opened up at the IRC. Obviously, a great experience and stepping stone towards my now decided career path in social work, I jumped on it. Hopes were high, but I prayed very, very hard for the peace and joy that I would need should I get denied the job because it would be who-knows-round-what of disappointment and confusion for my future. Sure enough, the inevitable happened -- REJECTION! I will spare you the details of why, but here is an excerpt of an email I sent out at the time to several close friends who have been following my journey:

that's the gist of it. i think i still have a decently positive outlook and am hopeful for potential opportunities in terms of IRC. however, i can't exactly 100% hope in it because it's uncertain and it's not like i'm guaranteed a position. all i can say is that there's still potential for it. I am surprisingly pretty OK with it. I was a little bit bummed when i found out, but that was about it, so i'm really thankful. during the waiting period, all i could pray for was peace and joy and a greater trust in God's sovereignty - provision and timing, because i KNEW for SURE i would be super disappointed and discouraged if i didn't get it. i guess you can say it's a little miracle :) because i'm totally fine. and logically, i couldn't even understand how i am, but i just am and that is definitely God's working and Grace :) so yeap! don't worry about me! do keep praying though. everything is so up in the air and it's been a year since i graduated!

In hindsight, it was clearly a miracle for me to experience the peace that I did and another opportunity for me to claim and experience God's promises. Several more weeks pass by with my normal interning routine and extremely unexpectedly, I get called in to speak with our ED again... lo & behold, I GOT THE JOB, and to conclude this section of my entry, here is another email update I sent out that briefly summed up... everything.

After a year of perseverance (well, maybe half a year of active job-hunting since I decided to change my career path towards the non-profit sector), i FINALLY obtained a full-time job as a casework assistant at the International Rescue Committee, which is where I have been interning since February! It is something I want to do, something I foresee helping me move towards my career, something that will probably and hopefully aid in my eventual grad-school application, and not to mention, it is also with an internationally known non-profit that I definitely would love to work with!

It has been a long process. There were many ups and downs, excitements and discouragements during this year-long process, and a plethora of dilemmas to consider, including one of utmost concern: passion vs. reality. However, after many series of events, God has once again proven faithful and sovereign over all. His timing is perfect and His Grace is sufficient. Had I obtained the other jobs I applied/interviewed for, I probably would not have had the opportunity to work at this position right now. Had I not sacrificed a few months of negative income (a.k.a losing money on gas) I probably would not even qualify for the position. Had I gotten previous jobs I interviewed for, my pay wouldn't even reach what it is now (though not high, still higher than expected). I can list a whole lot of things, all to testify in the end, that God is good. In more challenging times, He provided sufficient (and even more than expected/asked for sometimes) peace & joy to override my anticipated disappointment and feelings of discouragement. In happier times, well. I had lots of fun sleeping in, eating, hanging out with friends, sleeping, eating, working out, sleeping, eating... you get the point.

sooo for those who are in LA, i guess you won't be hearing me pick up the phone at home anymore (which is rare anyways because I'm probably sleeping), or me opening the door during the day, or me still in bed when you drop your kids off at our place at noon... because i will be in (work location), possibly buried in case notes, heavy-duty mundane tedious paperwork, yelling (just kidding) at welfare office personnel, or trotting new territory in our clients' apartments/houses conducting home visits... 

Up to this point, I have learned so much about people, about reality, about the flaws of the system, about hope and resilience, all in which, I believe, are great training grounds and confirmation for my future endeavors. I can't thank God enough for how He has prepared me and led me to this point.

THE "TODAY" HAPPENING

I do not have too much work experience and cannot say that I've gone through too much "office politics". I hear about it a lot from my mom, from others, and I am usually quite enraged just listening to how ridiculous, how dark, selfish, and unreasonable people can be. On the contrary, I have been shielded and blessed by awesome coworkers and currently, an awesome, awesome interim director. I've deemed A.E.R. as my IRC hero, and undoubtedly, an individual I greatly admire. Per my request, A.E.R. met with me today to address some of my questions and concerns, but the session ended up lasting one whole hour! To an entry level assistant caseworker, a personal hour-long meeting with the acting ED who was previously the deputy VP of IRC's national programs was really something! There are several characteristics that I took note of and would want to bring with me if one day I am in some or any type of management/leadership position (of course, given the appropriate office setting, size and make up of staff and whatnot):

1. Putting effort in understanding the direct service aspect before theorizing away in strategic planning
2. Showing genuine interest and acknowledgment for others' work, regardless of seniority
3. Being gracious and non-condemning, but never failing to state the problem and simultaneously pushing for positive change
4. Allowing room for individual creativity and staff development within the appropriate confines of each employee's responsibilities

I mentioned in the beginning of this post that this was a "today" happening that looks towards the future for several reasons. I have now tangibly seen and experienced specific leadership qualities that I deem as needed and important in the professional setting. A.E.R. advocated on my behalf to push for a slight salary raise as a fair acknowledgment for my work. And to top that off, I now have a second, willing, grad school recommendation candidate!

REAR-ENDED

This one-year-anniversary date is really something! Ended the day with a nice little secondary impact from a three-car accident that I was involved in on the freeway. First accident involvement ever since I started driving approximately eight years ago, and I am so very grateful for the minimal impact that I received. Despite the fact, I was still feeling a bit anxious and frantic because, well it's still a first! KNOWING what to do never seems to successfully play itself out when you need it to. Never have I been so glad to see a cop before! Ha! Praise God for His protection. Seeing accidents, big and small, happen every day during my commute freaks me out. Life is so, so fragile! I really hope and pray that I "don't waste [my] life".

Work.

Next Thursday will be my one year anniversary with the International Rescue Committee as a full-time staff. Time just whizzed past me. I realized I never even got around to writing an entry on my journey from funemployment to getting a job, or from pursuing design to engaging in the field of social services. I looked back on my posts and saw that I had documented my feelings of discouragement and frustration in the job search process through a song called "stuck in Taipei" 困在台北, and then... my blog became notoriously known for its MASSIVE entries :) looks like I completely skipped out on some pretty big life decisions, blessings and grace that I have experienced since then (in the job context)! But, I will revisit those experiences on July 5, 2012 and share them with the few of you who may be reading.

In my near one year with the IRC, I surprisingly did not experience too much stress, considering how much we deal with clients. However, recently I've experienced two waves of it, one in which I cannot disclose due to confidentiality issues, and the other more recent one is due to the lack of capacity to help the amount of clients who are currently enrolled in our programs. I am looking forward to playing some sports this weekend to relieve myself, maybe doodle a picture or two.

We have a very mixed and unique client base, probably enough to cover all extremes. The rich, the poor. The highly educated, the ones who have never gone through formal education. The lazy, the hardworking. The grateful, the annoying and demanding. The torture survivors, the happy dandies who have no problem returning to their home countries if life gets too hard in America. The list goes on. However, helping those who truly need the service is extremely, extremely difficult in this city. Job opportunities are already scarce, let alone securing an actual job! Stress. Stress. Stress. Anytime something involves another person's life and well being, or even survival = STRESS!

You really get a glimpse of reality, much of which is out of our control. Bureaucracy. Incompetent, mean case workers from, elsewhere. The hundreds and thousands of cash-based, tax-evading businesses that obviously work in contrary to what we want and must place our clients in. I am terribly afraid of referring clients to massage parlors / nail and hair salons in fear of the oft-too common shady business that goes on behind those doors, yet those are jobs that a portion of our clients want to do or are working towards, or resorted to due to the lack of opportunities or relevant experience from their home country. LIFE it is. Worse yet, they do not even have it that bad here compared to many parts of the world!

Yet there is the occasional glimmer of hope and heart-warming words and actions that come from our clients. Here is something I recently received via email from a client:

"说实放，我真的好感动，谢谢你，这么晚了还给我发消息，
在美国，有了你们这样的朋友自己才感觉不到孤单"
"truth is, I'm really touched. Thank you for sending me this information even though it is so late. Because I have friends like you guys here in the U.S., I feel a lot less lonely"

Nothing boast-worthy on our end really, but nonetheless encouraging and affirming that despite the minimal service we can offer, it is somehow still making a positive impact on someone's life. I'm actually not quite sure why the email was sent so late because I definitely did not stay up till 3am to send it! Ha.

There are others who are overcome by episodes of anxiety, tantrums, unreasonable fits... yet their lives speak of a perseverance and resilience that I greatly respect and wish I had even more of, as a Christian especially!

I remember several of our clients who came as free cases straight from an African refugee camp (no family here, no friends, barely any language capacity, if any at all) and the few that remained and lived together, one worked day and night shifts on a pay only slightly higher than minimum wage to survive, and covered rent for his "friend" whom he actually met at the refugee camp and had no family relations with. Talkin' about being sacrificial!

Those are probably some of the reasons why I enjoy my job despite the stress and sometimes mental take-home-workload. It has its rewards, but it is definitely a sobering reminder that as humans, we are very limited. Humanitarian work can really only go so far, and I know that ultimately, only Christ can offer lasting hope, joy, and peace that even a good life here in America cannot fulfill. It breaks my heart to hear of people suffering, getting beaten by cops for beliefs that ultimately do not lead to the one true God. It breaks my heart to see many coming to the U.S. not only for protection, but obsessively in search of the American dream that is not eternal (Matt 6:19-21).

I am still learning and exploring how to speak and act in a manner that is Gospel saturated in the context of social services. Many non-Christians in the non-profit sector, in fact most of them are not, are overflowing with love, care, and passion for people and various causes, but from a client's point of view, what distinguishes the Christian case worker from the love, care, and sacrifice of a non-Christian service provider?

Therapeutical.

Classical Musicians Everywhere, London

I recently came across this photo on facebook and could not resist pinning it onto my "Architecture & Home Design" board on my long-neglected pinterest account. So creative. So classy. And so pleasant to look at. I showed my mother, who instantly fell in love with it and complained that I should not have shown her such a beauty! hehe : ) There are many things that I find "therapeutical". Aside from the obvious - good food and good company, here are a few that I was inspired to mention after a trip around Michael's today: Cute, pleasant designs / artifacts / architecture, like that of the Sanggojae, nature, overlooking a vast cityscape at night, drawing comics of funny life instances or quotes that I like or feel inspired by, classical music, playing the piano alone, walking through aisles and aisles of paint, paintbrushes, canvases, oragami paper, and other art supplies, looking through old photos, scrapbooking, traveling, "playing sports" despite my semi-unathleticism, blogging, watching people make tea the traditional way, and potentially the most domestic ones out of the entire list: cooking and cleaning. El Fin.
- raising the roof - ISSA SHORT ENTRY! pat pat to myself.

Warriors of the Rainbow: Seediq Bale

It has already been three weeks or so since I've watched Seediq Bale and like always, I've had this half-written post sitting in my drafts for an equivalent length of time. This has got to be the first film I've seen in theaters presented in Japanese and Seediq with Chinese and English subtitles! The Seediqs are one of the aborigine groups in Taiwan, by the way. Usually, I do not write movie critiques. Actually I do not think this is even considered a movie critique, but I felt compelled to let out some circulating thoughts and images that are just about to cause my head and heart to explode. Slight exaggeration.

Underlying this movie, even in its epic, bloody glory, stands the seemingly overdone plot of a nationalistic-fueled war against unruly oppressors. Sad to say, (or is it?) it is the cliche fend-for-your-honor, gone-with-the-intruders plot, easily recognizable in other movies like Avatar? 300? Go a little further back, Pocahontas? What is sadder is that this type of plot has somehow become dull and "un-epic" because of overuse throughout the years. Not only that, each culture seemed to have adopted its own version of it! I wonder why people watch these movies: the acting? the action? While the general plot is completely predictable, Seediq Bale was yet another striking reminder of the sad historical brutality of imperialism that has at one point or another, made its gruesome mark all. over. this vast land we call earth. In fact, it has been such a prominent issue that people have been able to produce a multitude of movies based on the exact same theme in the context of their own culture. Perhaps some may find it uninteresting and way too predictable, but I think for those who have gone through such oppression, or are somehow well-acquainted with the history of their own kind, a theatrical performance like that of Seediq Bale could potentially speak semi-factually and emotionally on what has been silenced for years. Maybe, just maybe, doing those individuals the slightest justice in a matter that can never actually be reversed or mended.

Though it is heart-wrenching for me to put myself in the shoes of, in this case, the Sadeeqs, I cannot, in reality, fully comprehend the pains of what they have been through (as with other victims of imperialism). As a culturally somewhat confused individual, I do not know what it feels like to love a country, to be loyal to one culture, or to love my whatever "group" to the point of sacrificing myself in some glorious... battle, especially one that ultimately leads to a bloody death. Nationalist pride is somewhat of a foreign concept to me and would probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Perhaps the one aspect I can identify with more is the internal conflict of one character in the movie. I am not sure where I am going with this, and I do not know whether I can even draw a conclusion, but it was interesting and thought provoking to say the least. This character, by blood a Seediq, but raised as a Japanese, pretty much served as a mediator, by will, between the Japanese military and Seediqs to ease the tension. However, when the uprisings occurred, he was conflicted to the depths of his soul and essentially copped out by killing his wife, his baby boy, and himself. Perhaps I used "cop out" too lightly and had undermined the pain of such internal conflict, but it happened. What was interesting is that he helped the Seediqs in obtaining the weaponry they would need for the battle and even endangered his wife in the process. However, in the end, he committed seppuku, a noble, prideful, yet brutal suicidal method of the Japanese. Talkin' about an identity crises... 

Unfortunately, since it has been almost a month, my initial emotions and thoughts kind of faded, which is why I usually try to seize the moment and spill them out - failed attempt this time around. But I suppose I will share what's left of them in regards to this movie.

I only learned after watching the movie that I had watched the condensed theatrical version of it. It was originally split into two parts, just like Red Cliff (but of course, it's John Woo). Part I is entitled "The Flag of Sun" and Part II, "Crossing the Rainbow", which stood out significantly to me. The rainbow bridge apparently is an important part of the Seediq culture and belief. The bottom line is that the rainbow bridge serves as a connection between life on earth to the heavenly hunting grounds, as the Seediqs are characterized by fearless hunting and decapitating. Yes, you heard me, decapitation was abundant in the movie. The Seediqs had some mind-blowing willingness to sacrifice: loose-loose situation in the fight against the Japanese, the women's unselfish suicides to relieve their husbands and sons of the burden of food and worry... not uncommon I suppose for such a cause. However, what was most gripping for me was when the women who were preparing for mass suicide said "we'll be waiting for you at the other end of the rainbow bridge". Why? They were all sacrificing for a noble cause, I guess, but at the end of the day, there is no rainbow bridge, there is no heavenly hunting grounds, and they will not be reunited with each other after crossing the supposed rainbow bridge. No, as much as I wish it were untrue, their sacrifices were ultimately in vain. That, brought quite some grief. Somehow, this seeming momentary passion, care, and heart break for the lost always manages to dwindle to a fear of man once snapped back into reality. However, the current state of the lost is no different than that of the Seediqs, right? I hope the weightiness I felt when watching the movie would, with the Spirit's empowerment, manifest itself in my interaction with unsaved friends, family, and strangers.

Interestingly enough, I stayed at a "Home stay" (民宿) called "Crossing the Rainbow Bridge" when I visited Taroko Gorge in Taiwan last December and learned of the significance of well, crossing the rainbow bridge, from the owner, who was an aborigine of Tai Lu Ge tribe! The Tai Lu Ge people share many similarities in culture, language, and beliefs with the Seediqs. By the way, I highly recommend this home stay if you ever visit the area. I also have the contact for our taxi-tour guide. He was a superb individual. We also recently bought some green tea grown in Wu She 務社 - only the location of the "Wushe incident" in which the entire "The Flag of Sun" was based on...

Anyway, those were just side ramblings. Like many others, I honestly wouldn't have known about that incident, the Seediqs, or the significance of the rainbow in their context, had it not been for this movie! I do very much prefer the rainbow in a Biblical context though. I hope to watch the movie in its original form, just like red cliff (one of my all-time favorites by the way) - TWO PARTS. Perhaps it would flow better and I would have a much better grasp of the historical background and characters behind it. Holla if you want to join!

Here are some reads on the movie in English or Chinese, the Seediqs, Wushe Incident...
Why yes, by reads, I do mean wikipedia.

I leave you with one of the theme songs I listened to obsessively for a period of time: "Seeing the Rainbow", sung in Seediq. Beautiful, but evidently very sullen as it describes their ancestors summoning them across the rainbow bridge...



Sorry for the un-thought-out post. I suppose it is sufficient for my own future reference though. A bit tired as of late, and with much more important things to digest from the recent Young Adult Network retreat.

In My Element

I started this post January 3, 2012 at 9:23p.m. and just could not get over my writer's block having attempted this entry several more times there on after. And of course, it is now already 3 months later... However, in honor of the disastrous (though full of potential, I'm sure) 626 nightmarish event, which clearly did not temporarily satisfy my missing-of-Taiwan, but instead successfully sent it into the negatives, I. MUST. FINISH. THIS. LONG. OVERDUE. POOOOST in memory of my awesome trip!

So now, I shall answer the common post-travel question: what was your favorite part about this Taiwan and Hong Kong trip?

I entitled all four of my Facebook albums for my Taiwan and Hong Kong Trip "In My Element" - I know, F-O-U-R ALBUMSSSS, you should expect nothing less from me! For those who know me, you probably got the title, instantly. However, a title that came so naturally and almost without second thought, I learned, had much deeper implications than I had originally intended. Yes I was quite happy being surrounded by Asian people, Asian things, Asian music... (ha. how generic can I get with "Asian"? the land mass in and of itself already covers a good chunk of the world, let alone the plethora of countries, languages, and cultures within the borders of "Asia") but apparently, in-my-element did not stop there! What in this trip made me feel at home, if you will, as opposed to the many HK&China trips I've been on prior to this? I've always enjoyed those vacations and was always very excited to reunite with my childhood friends, but never have I felt more "in my element" as I did on this trip even though it was only my first time visiting Taiwan!

Here's why: this trip encompassed everything I wanted in one location, at one time. I had the opportunity to hang out with college friends I haven't seen for a while, or even well over a year - some who were visiting at the same time, and others who were working overseas. I got to reunite with childhood friends I grew up with in Hong Kong and Shanghai, many of whom I have not seen for years. I got to speak in all three languages whenever and wherever I wanted to. It was an excellent balance of old and new, east and west, in every way you can imagine! Bliss, I tell ya! And not to leave out the obvious, being able to see old friends and continue to build upon those relationships was definitely very fulfilling for my sentimental self. My old-time wish as a kid for all the places I have lived in with all the friends I've made in those places to be one big ole easily accessible land mass, semi came true and manifested itself in this trip. So, if you ask what my favorite part about this trip was? I would have to say exactly that.

I actually started giving this question some thought early in our second week in Taiwan when Ralph popo first prompted it. Except, I literally stopped mid-sentence after "Well, I think..." because I thought I was on the brink of throwing up. Had to keep myself together for the sake of Taiwan's streets and subway, and of course, my two dear friends who would have had to deal with the aftermath if that were to happen, right? Thankfully, I made it back to CityInn just fine, and made it through the rest of our Asia trip with my stomach intact. Thank God.

So anyway, I hope this brief explanation gives you a glimpse of the significance of this trip to me in addition to all the fun and laughter I very much enjoyed and soaked up during my time there. Having been back in the states for several months now, I still manage to find ways to be "in my element". For the time being, by no surprise, I continue to listen to my favorites and give my "ahh, Wang Lee Hom, Khalil Fong" spiels in attempts to convince you, you, you, and you of their excellency. Why? Undoubtedly they are amazing and highly respected artists (by me and many others I'm sure), but they patch up what is lacking culturally here for me. When I was traveling, I actually did not have a strong desire to listen to Chinese music, probably because I was surrounded by all-things-Chinese except for my English-speaking friends. Who knows, if one day I am living in Europe, Africa, or South America, I can definitely see myself blasting WLH, KFong, and probably some good ol' American oldies, boy bands, Jason Mraz, Buble, throw in a few relatively more appropriate radio top 10's to dance around to... ya know what ah'm sayin'? Media always seems to give me a temporal, earthly fulfillment for what is culturally, linguistically, lacking in my current state. There have been times where I lack so much of both American AND Chinese cultures from my heavily Middle-Eastern client-base work place, that I resort to putting my ipod on shuffle during my commute so I can get the best of both worlds. There have also been times I exceeded my mandarin-speaking quota for the week due to huge influxes of Chinese clients that I only want to listen to English songs in the car. Yes, too-much-Chinese does get to me too. At the end of the day though, I am always humbly (almost forcibly) reminded that I should redirect "what is lacking" to God. Every time I feel homesick for who knows what or where, I AM reminded where my true home is and where I ultimately belong to, that though God has uniquely allotted these experiences in my life and has patiently taught me to embrace such experiences, my identity should not stop at my confused cultural mess, but should rest in the security I have in Christ.

OK, I am pretty sure I killed this topic like no other, but ALAS - insert mischievous smile - I am not done yet! I will continue to live up to my notoriously massive posts by providing you with some photo highlights from the trip (literally just snippets. this cannot compare to my 4 albums worth):

MY AWESOME TRAVEL COMPANION: YING 牛牛 - to be able to converse and crack jokes in English, Mando, and Canto freely, to combine my awesome pre-trip planning with her during-the-trip-汁生 (excuse my hideous canto typing), to have probably too much fun together and to be able to enjoy sweet fellowship at the same time,  牛牛, you made my first international-travel-with-a-friend experience an excellent, memorable one! presenting some of our 自戀 zi lian photos :)

TWO MAIN TOUR GUIDES & FAITHFUL HANGOUT-ERS: Ralph (Lao fu) for Taiwan, and Ryan (Lion) for Hong Kong 8)

L: Lao Fu taking up tour guide duties the night upon our arrival.  R: Lion, an excellent tour guide (minus the last day) - we pretty much climbed an entire mountain because of him ;] no, really though he is a muy bueno guide.

SEEING BEAUTIFUL SCENERY + OTHER TOURISTY SPOTS: I absolutely LOVED being a tourist without being on a tour. If I can manage to do that, I will do so for other countries of interest.

Sun Moon Lake and surrounding areas

TW Night scenery: Taipei101, Lover's Bridge, Miramar very-large Ferris Wheel

HuaLien - small, but significant sites

Taroko Gorge - amazing / slightly dangerous scenery

Hong Kong local scenes

Hong Kong at night -drool-

OUR VARIOUS LIVING HEADQUARTERS: safe, nice, sanitary (for the most part hahahaha), and cheap, if not graciously provided by others for free.

CityInn Taipei - excellent! minus the daily bright and early vacuuming action, situated in a very convenient location too by the way!

Laurel Villa, Sun Moon Lake - pretty cute, small place, friendly owners, very personal :)

Crossing the Rainbow Bridge - Taroko Gorge Min Su, the husband is a Taroko native (aborigine!); very cute and clean little place right outside of Tai Lu Ge; friendly owners who can explain aborigine culture and history; we also got a free upgrade heh :) hence the two queen beds. our ONE and ONLY time sleeping in our own beds in TW!

Free Stay! :) So Thankful. Excuse the messiness of our 狗窩 hahaha

FOOD - puhhlease, this is probably THE biggest thang if you're in Asia!

One of my favorites is Jia Xin Dou Gan - stuffed "dried" tofu!!! it was SO DELICIOUS, and sadly, a one-time experience. couldn't find it anywhere else outside of SML.

Gotta get a taste of the local McD's!

Finally, you must understand that nothing. beats. Asian. 7-11s!!!

WORLDS COLLIDE: one of the most heart-warming things for me was seeing and hanging out with all these wonderful people on the other half of the globe.

Ehllickk, Laofu, Connie, Neeko, Andy, Joyeeeeee, and yes that is 陳柏霖, I claimed him as a friend when I needed a small vertical photo to fill that slot in this collage, but really, WLH would be a much better fit :P

Childhood friends + Harvesters! CGinn, Reggie, Phil, Rmiu, Terry, lum lum, Teen, Nathan.

THE CRAZY NIGHTS: the weekend that was so packed it felt like one long day, the weekend in which I lived like an owl, and also the weekend in which I realized I am way too old for such madness...

1-2:30a.m. Luxy; 7:30-10p.m. Khalil Fong Concert in THE Taipei little big egg; 11p.m.-7a.m. Karaoke -> K.O.

OTHER THINGS where photos and words do not do justice: invaluable conversations, chivalry and care from friends, selfless friends, aunties, and uncles, overall genuine hosts and tour guide, God's Grace and protection. Despite the many potentially serious mishaps along the trip, the good overrode the bad, hands down! SO. MUCH. FUN. and I will, with no hesitation, RETURN.