modnar. random.

Some interesting things that happened this week.

• oddly COLD weather. not to mention the ferocious wind.
  i fear for the life of me that i will fall victim to a branch. or a tree toppling over from the wind.
• Attended the Nicholas Kristof event at school on: turning oppression into opportunity.
  He focused on empowering women through education etc. much of what i have heard before, but inspiring nonetheless. You can pay his blog a visit. I also purchased a signed book (he. just for the heck of it) Half the Sky, coauthored by him and his Chinese American wife. I'll let you know if it is good. It will be interesting to read something from a non Christian perspective. Ultimately, however, the whole event reminded me more of the importance of the Gospel. Even if we could change the world one person at a time, even if the "temporary" change lasts a life time, all of it counts for nothing. nooothing. in the eternal realm if they don't have the Gospel. The event also triggered more what-to-do-with-my-life thinking, again. Perhaps, i'll save those thoughts for another more thought out entry, rather than one such as this, crammed into 15min or so.
• On my drive home from ARTS volunteer, I was waiting for a light under an overpass when a small boy with a proportionally large backpack skipped in a lighthearted fashion towards my direction, down the street. very, very heart warming. can't resist a smile to that, can you?
• On my way to the shuttle stop to school one day, a very tall father was riding his bike towards me, while his tiny, and i mean TINY little boy (perhaps the size of a 2 year old?) "rode" his TWO WHEELER (more like waddling his feet on the side - it was definitely the smallest two wheeler i have seen in my life), not tricycle, not a bike with training wheels, but a two wheeler, next to him :) VERY CUTE. i tried to resist the smile because I was walking alone, but failed. Oh well. At most I probably looked retarded :) but it was for a legit reason :]
• On the same drive home from ARTS volunteer, right before I entered the 5 freeway entrance, i saw two college-age-looking-doodes out of the corner of my eye, hitchhiking to Oceanside. random.

good grief. the 15min is up already. out for dinner, and back home to the nut tomorrow <3

Sanctification.

"the hotter the furnace, the more refined the silver comes out"

Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

Refiner's Fire

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Matt 16:24-26

not easy.
I was going to jot down some thoughts. but headache looming. Perhaps I will return another day.
in any case. i will leave you all with a song dear to my heart. a comfort. a reason to rejoice.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God

p.s. i think i listened to F4 (i am a bit ashamed now to admit that) so much in high school that almost four years of not listening to them still has no effect on me - the lyrics have been ingrained in my long term memory. haaa. amazing.

Fuzz madness.

I was about to leave for church today, when upon opening the car door, something fell into the "crack" beside the driver seat and the door - something in which i thought was a leaf of some sort. So boldly and not-so-wisely, I stuck my hand down and tried to grab it. It all happened ridiculously quick because I was in a hurry to do campus pickups for church. Before I knew it the so-i-thought leaf was a fuzzy, almost weightless, jumpy MOTH that fell into my car!

EW! EW! EW!
i hate moths. and i touched one.
initial thoughts: i'm traumatized!
call me dramatic. but i really hate and fear all kinds of bugs.

finally i scouted around for long sticks alongside the road.
and flicked it out after several tries. yay me. all by myself!
instead of "ANNAAAAA!!!" or.
scream scream scream with rest of apartment.
or. "JAAAASONNNN" - apartment mate's boyfriend.
well. i suppose i didn't quite have a choice.
can't holler at some stranger for such help. hee.

ha. what a way to start the day.

I need a dose of Asia.

for some odd reason, the title almost sounds like i am on drugs...
warning: LONG, thoughts - don't expect too big of a point by the end.
i just had to get some scattered thoughts out of my head. maybe i will fine tune it next time.

Anyways, it has been way long since I have posted something on this blog.
I have been writing, that is for sure, but I confess it is only in the privacy of my own, well... lap top.
Even though I love journaling with paper and pen, and the fact that I own physical journals brings some odd satisfaction to my reminiscent self, something about the clicking of the (mighty) loud keys on my Qosmio (it is a Toshiba of some sort) allows for better thought process, flow, and also somehow betters my vocabulary usage. I, of course, would prefer reading through old sophisticated and elegant sounding entries (I would like to make myself believe that at least) as opposed to mere broken sentences packaged into a "paragraph".

I digress. So yes, I have been making frequent visits to my own journal. In fact, as much as I complain about this dull, boring, i-am-stuck-in-LA-and-SD summer, i must say it is one of those summers that provoked a lot of thought, reflection, and various types of emotional responses. I almost do not even know where to start...

Perhaps I will start with something that has been on my mind all summer. Actually, it is something that has always been with me but usually only accentuated when triggered - cultural identity, or lack thereof.

I watched "Flower Drum Song" the other night with my mom, a somewhat underdog, and what I think is a totally underrated Broadway production based off of the novel, haha Flower Drum Song by CY Lee. It is about cultural clash between generations - traditional Chinese parents, children who grow up with the American spirit and ideals, but ultimately focused on a romance story of course. However, one thing (of the many) that stuck was when the aunt said something along the lines of, "I am proud/happy to be both American and Chinese", followed by the song Chop Suey. Immediately, I thought, "am i more chop suey? or am i more HK-cafe?" - i know, i tend to reference or analogize food. they make a lot of sense in my head, and possibly only in my head : ) go figure. It is not the fact that I oftentimes differ in my outlook on life or in moral views than that of my parents', but more so the struggle in finding where I belong. Perhaps, even "belong" is the incorrect word because usually I can fulfill my need for American-ness with one group of friends, and fulfill my need for Asian-ness with another. Somehow, I always long for a group that... i don't know, pertains to both cultures equally? From my experience thus far, that is far too ideal. Sometimes, I can find that comfort in those who share the same type of experience as I have - expats, those who have traveled around and lived in various places etc. Unfortunately, that is quite rare here.

Here is a slight jump that I promise will relate in the end. I dug up part of an entry I wrote some time in August.
In addition to Wang Lee Hom's talent, good looks, humility, and character (haha, i am so biased), perhaps another aspect that I am drawn to is his style of music. When he integrates both eastern and western styles, while I may not have especially appreciated traditional or ethnic Chinese music, somehow the mixing of the two gives me a sense of familiarity and comfort in the midst of my "lack of cultural identity". Maybe, just maybe, it is one outlet for my lack of cultural belonging, because he combines both east and west quite skillfully. Here is an excerpt:

不停的听王力宏的北京”man in the mirror” cover。 是他对 michael Jackson 的 Tribute。 非常好听。一点都不像原本的那种感觉。他真的很会 own up 一首不是他的歌。他加了二胡在他的版本里，我觉得更显然他的“chinked out” 风格。以前我也不大会欣赏他中西合璧的音乐文化，可是听多了，不但习惯了，还蛮喜欢的，因为他的音乐能够将我几个混在一起的世界用一首歌的歌词跟音乐很完美的表达出来。或是这一点使我更喜欢他，因为他能够将我的内心世界，将我formulate不到的思想，话，跟过去都表达出来。：）

I'll attempt an English version, but usually whatever comes out first mirrors my thoughts and heart the best (which would be right up there). Not sure if the following would do it justice. but, sall good :] Actually, since I journaled in Chinese before, and am writing it in English now, I added in some thoughts.

I have been listening to Wang Lee Hom's cover of "Man in the Mirror" on repeat. He did a tribute to Michael Jackson in his Music Man concert in Beijing. The cover was done beautifully and though a completely different feel from the original, I must say this guy really knows how to own up a song that is not his. He added the Erhu in his version, which highlights his "chinked-out" style, and definitely does the song justice with his ridiculous vocals. In my opinion, the meaning and passion expressed in the original was no less portrayed in LeeHom's cover. I thought his mix of style actually enhanced the piece (maybe because it is my biased opinion towards him hehe). In the past, I failed to appreciate his eastern-western mix type of musical genre - some of his work can really be quite out there, and straight up, WEIRD), but the more I listen, the more I have become accustomed to such a style. No, not merely accustomed... I thoroughly enjoy and like it. Why? Because his music style and lyrics somehow very successfully and beautifully express my mixed-up-worlds. Perhaps, this is exactly the point that has drawn me to his work - because he can outwardly express my inner thoughts, past experiences, words, that I am unable to formulate, whether it is through lyrics of a song or the style of a piece.

* side note: "chinked-out" is a term he coined for his style of music, meant to use in a positive light, instead of the known negative one he grew up with in NY - not that I would fully understand the negative connotations of it since no one has used it on me before.

Sounds like too much thinking and analyzing into all of it huh? Perhaps. But it is what it is for me. I myself cannot even explain or even understand why all of that is soothing to me, but it just is. Too many times, certain thoughts and feelings are just kind of stuck in my head and I am unable to express it, which can be quite frustrating. When there is an appropriate channel, I cherish it. People have asked me what my first language is, what language I think in, what place I consider home... and I NEVER know how to answer. It is ridiculous. It is along the lines of something complicated like...

I probably learned Canto first, but English became my primary language, but then I moved to HK and ditched English for a while and Cantonese became my "first language" (if that even exists in such a situation by now), then had to pick up English again in Shanghai since I went to an international school, so I suppose my English and Canto became half half, with an addition of Mando into the collection... and now at this point (2009) I am left with prooobably English as "first", Canto as conversationally decent, but American sounding when I try to explain things, and Mando is straight up abc sounding or canto with a tweak...

yeah. something very complicated like that. same goes for any other aspect.

I apologize if I do not make any sense at all. Things are probably just as jumbled in my head, as they are publicly. Either way, many times God has concluded this mess for me, not necessarily by providing some earthly fulfillment of this strange void, but rather reminding me where my identity lies and where my true home is. I am extremely thankful that my identity is ultimately in Christ Jesus, and not in something dumb like my cultural background, my success etc. I am thankful that my citizenship is in heaven, or else I might go crazy trying to figure out where "home" is for me. Speaking of Home, it is a similar problem. In each place I've lived in - Nor Cal, Hong Kong, Shanghai, LA, San Diego, there are various people, places, and experiences that make up what is "home" to me I suppose. There is no specific place that is my true earthly home. THEREFORE, despite my mumbo jumbo head, somewhat inconclusiveness, thank you God for the bigger picture. I seriously would go nuts otherwise. mms, once again, Kingdom Perspective - and how awesome it is to be united in Christ with brothers and sisters around the WORLD.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" - 2 Cor 4:16-18

"But according to His promise we are looking for new heavens and a new earth, in which righteousness dwells" - 2 Peter 3:13

- vans.

Not an easy truth.

And when God reminds me that I deserve worse. yesterday. today. and every day. I am left speechless. because I am doing much better than i deserve.

L.O.L.

in regards to wang lee hom's scruffyness in a video.
anna's epic quote of the day.

tarebear1122: but he needs to shave
tarebear1122: he looks like a 小混混

HAHAHA. i love my roomie.
and. wang lee hom is a favorite.

The Silent Savior.

I saw one hanging on a tree
In agony and blood
Who fixed His loving eyes on me
As near His cross I stood
And never till my dying breath
Will I forget that look
It seemed to charge me with His death
Though not a word He spoke

My conscience felt and owned the guilt
And plunged me in despair
I saw my sins His blood had spilt
And helped to nail Him there
But with a second look He said
“I freely all forgive
This blood is for your ransom paid
I died that you might live”

CHORUS
Forever etched upon my mind
Is the look of Him who died
The Lamb I crucified
And now my life will sing the praise
Of pure atoning grace
That looked on me and gladly took my place

Thus while His death my sin displays
For all the world to view
Such is the mystery of grace
It seals my pardon too
With pleasing grief and mournful joy
My spirit now is filled
That I should such a life destroy
Yet live by Him I killed

The Look - Sovereign Grace Music

in CJ Mahaney's message, More Desirable than Gifts,
I remember vividly his description of the story of the leper who returned to worship Jesus.
All the healing and miracle jazz happened on His way to Jerusalem.
Christ had US. you. & me. on His heart & mind in the midst of all of this.
He was on His way. to the Cross.

"Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him.

He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He did not open His mouth;
Like a lamb that is led to slaughter,
And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers,
So He did not open His mouth."

Isaiah 53:4-7

Dream Big.

Photo taken at La Jolla Shores '08; edited by Leon.

"So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeedin in the matter for which I sent it"
- Isaiah 55:11

Lo and behold, I am already half way through the second week of spring quarter.
I cannot begin to express how glad I am that winter quarter finally "belongs" to my past. & that I am done with it.
Spring break was unproductive. I think last quarter was so intense I could not get myself to do anything during break.
While my un-productiveness fueled my watching of "Miss No Good" (Wilber Pan has an awesomely cute smile) and led me to watching an absurd amount of Youtube (i think I have maxed my spring quarter's quota already), time spent with the familia and amigos were precious :] I realized the older I get, the more I treasure my time at home... but really. where is home?!

This quarter has been good thus far.
There were many firsts since week one of school.

First internship experience
I intern at The Virtual Reality Medical Center through UCSD's Academic Internship Program.
10 hours a week. 5hours on Wed, and 5hours on Thurs. Thus far, it has been an awesome experience.
Essentially, I am doing what I learned in Cogs187a - multimedia design - last quarter. Horrah! something practical.
I am a one man team redesigning the company's website. haha. 8]
The company is rather small. there is a 3-men team (literally MEN) working on, everything, really.
They do the graphics, they do the 3D simulations, they attempt product design, they change the lights, they build the bookshelves. It is interesting. But I enjoy it. The environment is chill, and I have many opportunities to broaden my haha. horizons. or something of the sort :) Not only that, all three graduated from SD and we've had the same professors (man those profs have been around for a while HAHA). My highest supervisor is Canto. My other one is Viet. My food culture is like a fusion of them two! There is also a Greek doode, in which they like to call him - hairy.
I have been getting a very small glimpse of the "working world". I can see how life without school and the support of a fellowship and the active involvement in various ministries can be challenging for anyone to "go out there and LIVE OUT the christian life". Everything would seem to be a bit duller. It got me thinking. It is in these times and situations that I would have to seek out every opportunity to be a light to those around me, whether it is through my actions or my attitude, or when presented with the opportunity, explicitly sharing the Gospel. Praise God for TChu :) because she is mostly working, I learn so much from her desire to be an influence to the kids she teaches, and her desire to exhibit Christ-like love towards them.

First volunteer session with A.R.T.S. - A Reason to Survive.
This is a non-profit org that provides free art, music, or performance arts programs for children and youth who are abused, neglected, sheltered, homeless etc. I have been looking foward to this for a very long time. I assist a lead volunteer for a Friday class and last Friday was my first time there. We have 8 kids, all unique in their own way and ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.
They all come from different and very complicated backgrounds - some have lost one or the other parent, others have heavy metal poisoning, and others, autism. It is my prayer that I be a light to these children and that one day, even if it may not be explicitly through me, that even in their circumstances, they see the hope found in Jesus Christ. These kids are crazy. and hyper. but they make me happy, warm & fuzzy inside, just like the picture to the left does :)


Philippines 08 - Dale: Pastor John and Ate Grace's lil bundle of joy <3

First time sleeping earlier and getting decent amount of sleep.
First time enjoying 2/3 of my classes + internship.
don't have much to elaborate on those two :)

And now I come to my seemingly irrelevant blog title - dream big.
Sometmies I wonder what the boundaries of "dreaming big" entail. I think I would consider my ambitions to become a celebrity, a singer, a renown.. someone... as dreaming way big, to the point of impracticality (but no, I really do not want to be those figures haha). On the other hand, as the issues of child soldiers, children of war, etc. are increasingly heavy on my heart, my recent "dream" for serving in Uganda (at least for one short term trip) seems to be less surreal and closer to an actual possibility. At the same time, the idea of it seems so far fetched I do not know whether this is God pressing it on my heart, or whether it is a random notion of compassion springing from who knows where. And I ask myself, why this particular group? There are many others who are in need and in various capacities. Why specifically child soldiers? Children of War? Honestly, I don't know, but i do know that only the Gospel offers a hope that truly sets them free from the horrors, guilt, and trauma of the prolonged war in Northern Uganda. And I do not think, or in anyway want to undermine the importance of the Gospel and what we are saved from - nastaay sinful selves that even these victims have no pardon for. Paul David Tripp once said, "The hope of the cross is in its willing sacrifice of One for the sake of another". How beautiful, and how great that ultimately, we are not only saved from our sinful selves, but that we get to enjoy God FOREVER. Worship. is lacking. in so many places around the world. So if God calls me to, I pray that He will give me the courage, boldness, and trust, to follow Him - wherever, whenever. As for Uganda, it is just a very specific place I want to go to for a specific group - even more so after watching War Dance (GREAT DOCUMENTARY btw, watch it if you haven't!) However, everything is very uncertain. I do not know if this would happen in the near future, some time down in life's journey, or if ever at all. But please pray that I will not fear, in this sense, "dreaming big", that I would earnestly pray for the opportunity, and God willing, He will provide open doors, and if not, then I can stop pursuing it so intensely, but until then, pray that I will not loose heart in doing so! I don't want my fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy trick me into thinking what God can do, even if it seems so insane and impossible. Many times, I feel like I have had such a blessed family, childhood, pretty darn smooth life, that I am in no place to minister to this particular group of people because I will never, EVER, understand their pain and experiences. However, I am also reminded that God uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. In addition, Jesus has used so many seemingly lowly and of no importance to society for His purposes. Since I am a mere vessel, priveleged to serve a great God and be part of a great Kingdom. why not BE that vessel then?

and if you read all the way through, dang. Thankee. much appreciated!
SLEEP TIME. blogging takes up so much. time and energy! haha.

goodnoights.

Pushups for the win. sort of. not really.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust."
- Psalm 103:8-14

I was reminded of what Rand Cho preached about at Gospel Night a few weeks ago. In comparison to all that is written in this particular psalm, I find myself living the opposite. I am quick to anger, and definitely not abounding in lovingkindness. What happened today magnifies my sinful self. It was a humbling experience to reflect on Jesus the great High Priest. How much more injustice and misunderstanding did he bear? No words can describe. As TiffChu said, even "crap" would be an understatement to the extent of dejection and loneliness Jesus must have felt. It is not even the mere doings of the people of His days, but in our doubt, in our desire to be kings of our little kingdoms, and in our lack of faith, we ultimately question and mock Christ's character. I was angry because i felt judged unjustly.. by a vis arts professor who does not even know me personally. It is a pathateic comparison and pales to what I do to God.

When I felt judged and ridiculed for my character by my vis professor, especially when most of it was not true, i was so quick to anger. It happened more than once and so past anger fueled the rage I experienced today. Had I spoken anything that was going on inside my head out loud, it would have not been pretty or edifying. at all. The only time i remember such anger (with things related to academics) was when I was accused of cheating in english my junior year of high school. I almost broke a pencil (i guess if triggered, my inner rage is no good). Today, I had my walk from office hours to the shuttle stop, the shuttle ride to ralphs, and the walk from ralphs to home, to calm down. I was angry to the point of tears and resorted to 10 pushups and a nap - which were beneficial. During my walk home, God continuously convicted of my impure thoughts and turned my eyes to Jesus the Great High Priest, just as Chris Wu preached at FNF. Nonetheless, it still took me a while to overcome my emotions.

Even now, I get angry thinking about it, but at a lesser extent. Please pray for a forgiving and loving heart, a gentle spirit, and an attitude that mirrors Christ's attitude so that I may be a light to those around me - esp because i have two more times to see the prof in this stressful, easy-to-loose-patience two weeks.

Pieface, I don't know where you MIAed to, but thank you once again, for hearing me out and being the more rational side of me. Apologies to you for getting the worst of me for these, wow, 6 years? I must admit, sometimes I just want the affirming uh huhs and awws, but I appreciate your gracious correction in putting things into perspective even though i don't always want to hear it. Some of it was not easy to take in, and initially all i felt was dissapointment and frustration at your seeming lack of compassion and understsanding. but, I know you spoke those words out of genuine care and encouragement. Thankee for being there, for sharing, and bearing with me.

likewise, thankee for putting things into persepctive TiffChu.
"but we must remember trials are the norm, not the exception"
so true. and i appreciate the reminder. woohoo for words of wisdom.

all in all. in thinking how unfair i was treated,
and how wrong it may have been for my professor to say the things she did to me.
and even though i felt like the complete victim.
I still got rocked. by God. haha. humbling experience.

one day to finish my vis145b proj. eeps.

Praises.
- Got AIP internship for graphic design! -- Grace like rain.
- much laughter with Jon and Daniel in our deliriousness while attempting to do cogs102b.
- my apartment. and their sillyness.
- my bed. washikea. and blankies.
- Bible.

goodnoights all.

He will my shield and portion be. As long as life endures

The New Children's Museum, downtown SD

Beautiful Lord, wonderful saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands
Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence
Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord
To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling
Set me apart
I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me
Use me, Fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hands
Hold me, Guide me
Lead me, Walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Much has happened since the last time I blogged.

From getting a vehicle violation,
"your license number was recorded"
in the Ralph's parking lot...

): sad. haha. now i am paranoid even if i am
parking at Ralphs. not for school purposes.

to experiencing one of the most heart-felt, warm,
makes-me-want-to-throw-up-rainbows-and-lucky-charms
fcbcW 06 reunion at the ever amazing Chris Tomlin concert...
trust me. i will DEFINITELY blog much more on this
when spring break rolls around. (and the long due aj rafael concert!)

i love this class. a lot. :)

and on and on it goes...
i would love to elaborate more,
but as finals approach,
(well they start for me. now)
the dear projects are beckoning me. horrah.

Nonetheless, God has been extremely faithful.
and Gracious. might I add.
My initial death-of-me tenth week,
is now balanced between tenth and finals week.
so i suppose finals week is not going to be so chill after all.
but. thaaaaas aiteeee.
It is still and going to be pretty dang busy.
but. had my deadlines not been moved,
i think i would not be able to complete everything
EVEN if i do not sleep. that would not be pretty.
so. seriously. praise God for being so gracious.
and always providing so abundantly.
I realized. how my perspective.
has shrunken pathetically to the size of
my little kingdom. rather than the glories of
His INFINITELY LARGERRR one.
(read a Quest for More by Paul David Tripp!)
Business became my excuse.
and i claimed all the time and energy for myself.
time and energy that do not even belong to me.

food for thought.
are you being a good steward of GOD'S TIME?
are you patting yourself on the back for being productive and not wasting YOUR time?
or are you content in your productivity knowing that you have not wasted GOD'S TIME?

Father, the things of this world pale compared to your Glory.
help me see, and live for the Greater, and the more transcendent.
Turn my eyes, and renew my heart with the Gospel each and every day.
Allow me to exclaim joyfully every morning,
"this is the day that the Lord has made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

i apologize. my thoughts are not quite coherent.
and i don't even know what the point of this entry is.
i shall return to my studies now.
and i leave you with a verse.
that inspired the song, Everlasting God.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the
Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary."

Isaiah 40:28-31.

Grace alone,
- vans.

Favorite.

One of my favorite things to see while walking to and from the shuttle stop near Ralphs,
and one of the most heart warming things you'll ever see,
is old couples taking a stroll together, or shopping together, hand in hand.
super cute. right? ahknow.

i get the same warm fuzzy feeling every time i see the picture on the left.

Cagayan De Oro, Philippines (summer 08)
i miss the philippines a lot.

sleeping early tonoights! yeeeee!

Grace like rain.

In my delirous.ness, hopefully something inspiring or encouraging will come out of my fried brain. if God really wants you to be encouraged. i'm sure He'll gimme something more to say than giberrish. you all know what happens when i'm delirious. things like:

rolling (startig from 1:28 or so too bad there's two languages goin on) on the floor in a retarded manner while reciting "go! go! go!" with my hands in the shape of a gun. in my room. on the carpet. with anna watching.
or being lions at like 2 3am.
don't juge. they are. fun in their own ways.

Anyways, before i die in front of my compter from tiredness.
I would like to say that this week was the most insane "finals week" of all "finals week" i felt this past quarter.
However, God's Grace is sufficient and abundant.
In times of discouragement, in times of distress, in times of. oh ionno. wanting to give up....
God always sovereignly shows me His faithfulness through His Word and through people He has placed in my life.

"Surely my soul remembers
And is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Threfore i have hope.
Th Lord's lovingkindness indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I have hope in Him."
- Lamentations 3:20-24

it is green. because green makes me think of life !!!

As "common" and "known" as these verses are: phil 4:6-7, Matt 11:28-30, Psalm 18:24 etc. I think I have neglected them and completely failed at abiding in them - they are such sweet, sweet promises, and verses that remind us to hold joyful attitudes. Yet, I turned to self-sufficiency, when really, even in the area of academics, it is SO NOT me. As Justin mentioned last week at FNF, Jesus is the Bread of Life. Do I really know my need? He gave us an example from one-i-don't-know-or-remember-who-Godly-man, how he dedicated 3hrs of prayer to the Lord instead of 2 BECAUSE he KNEW how much he needed God on that particular busy day. Many times, more school = less God. However some random ilustration popped up in my head that helped me understand this more...
I should be desiring and yearning for God, especially in those times that I am busy and overwhelmed, as much as I think I need more food and sleep. It is so easy to think dang i need more food to compensate for my lack of sleep, or fureak i should spend more time sleeping so i have energy the next day, but why not SHOOOT i needa spend more time with God today because i am SOO gonna fail without Him! ponder upon that. (: it was very convicting.

On another note, I am sad that i missed the much-anticipated-hanley-visit in harvest today ): i have been looking foward to it all week.
darn cogs87a project. Daniel and I were stuck in the DUN.dun.dun.GEON (i know. it has been SO LONG since i've used this term) from 12-12 basically. it was sad times. But by the end, it as like we friggin finished a program. and had no way of expressing ourselves except to laugh hysterically and say. "i don't even know what to say". Praise God that the due date was tonight, and not this past wed. I think we would've died. AND not finish. at least we are semi alive (not really) now, and finished it a good 25min beforehand (: ha.

Yeap. zee week was LOCO mahn! Many projects due and to work on and many unfortunate, unexpected academic things came up, but SERIOUSLY by God's GRACE, everything turned out foine. my projects all turned out well. and i feel much relieved. at least for tonoights.
these projects have caused me great pain and unhealthiness.
i don't sleep. or eat well (I KNOW. that is a biggie since i usually compensate my lack of sleep with good, balanced diets).
tiff chu commented on how i looked diff after not seeing me for two weeks.
and asked, "DID YOUR FACE get SKINNIER??" frightening. ahknow. ):

Anyways, two other things I learned & was deeply encouraged by:

1. "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others" - Phil 2:3-4
   A verse in which i have not seen applied so consistently and with so much joy and willingness until I went to the Philippines. it has resurfaced as I experienced the bunches of grace & generosity from others these few weeks. I have been convicted of my unwillingness to spend time on others in the midst of my "busy schedule" as I much rather spend it on my school work and slip in some food and sleep along the way. However, seeing how generous two particular individuals were with their time in helping me, or my group, with things they really have no obligation to, has been a huge blessing and encouragement to my heart. so Thank you, Lynn & JonChen :) you guys have indirecly taught me much. if there are words to express what i am thinking & feeling inside... it would not come out as lame & plain as this.
2. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us cosider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling tgether, as is the habit of some, but encouragingone another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near." - Hebrews 10:23-25
   I also have been tremendously blessed by those who spurred me on through their words, actions, prayers, and er. don't know how to phrase it in a single word, but those who always pointed me back to God - whether it be about joy, faith, patience, dependence, God's Glory, sovereignty, strength, and the list goes on... but truly, thank you. Despite my tiredness, and lack of outward expresion of gratitude, from the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU. again. sometimes, I don't know how to put things into words and express them because the feeling inside of me is 100x greater than what it actually sounds like.

I think my roberto's california burrito has digested a bit by now.
speaking of food. and speaking of beef (inside the burrito)...
team STEK is awesome. (: not only is everyone responsibe, but everyone's dang funny.
i am so thankful for this opportunity to get to know several non-harvesters...
If i don't see them 3x a week + group proj hours...
then i see them every day + many group hours....
it is pretty awesome. despite the ridiculous amt of hours put into these cogs classes...
we really do have our fun along the way. and i enjoy it a lot. THANKS GUYYS & GIRL..!

alrightay. seriously. my burrito has digested by now.
I can shower and sleep in peace.
YAY. time to SLEEP IN TOMORROW! (:
so excooited for the much needed physical rest
in which i have anticipated for... all quarter!!! YIKES 8]

and i shall leave you with this:
"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary."
- Isaiah 40:28-31

God bless (:

-Vans

"Tired & Uninspired" - My American Heart

Tired. That, I really am. However, I cannot say that I am uninspired, or else why blog right? Regardless, I do loikes the song up above (: and will be seeing My American Heart perform at Porter's Pub on Feb10 - FREE on campus! why not? Two of the band members, Jesse Barrera and Larry Soliman are going to be there. They performed with AJ Rafael couple fridays ago at ocean java coffee house in National City - DON'T WORRY. I WILL DEFINITELY blog about that, HA! ANYWAYS.

on Jan 10, I took some time off from zee busy schedule and spent some time by myself (tho i still need some more of those) next to my house.. in the dog park... here is a small excerpt of some thoughts i jotted down:

"So I couldn't really find a place to go to, thinking it would be cold today (according to the weather), but turns out warm and sunny, and I ended up here in the, ha, dog park. No driving needed, no $ spent on drinks, and accompanied by a breeze and the sweet relaxing sound of children's laughter. Oh, not to mention my thermal, my PINK thermal might I emphasize. haha. new things every day.

The short stroll over to the park was nice. Not very often do i take the time to slow down, and take a look around. One would think that life can't get any slower in San Diego, but when your heart is anxious, when schoool gets crazy, and when serving others, or ministry becomes duty and obligation, life can just get as hectic and busy as HK or NYC... or jack bauer's life....er. ok bad illustration but that was the first thing that came to my mind. I guess the "on-call" checklist day pretty much sums up my past quarter, winter brek even, and this first week of the oh-so-anticipated winter quarter. (ha. hear the sarcasim in that?) So much has hapened. I am almost afraid to dig out my brain in fear of all the white hair that may start sprouting from my head at the "old age" of 21. Well, anyways, you gotta do what you gotta do right? "

This photo to the left is one of the many I took while enjoying God's creation in which i paid minimal attention to the past few weeks.

Anyways. Obviously, there are much more thoughts put into whatever I journaled about there on after, but I enjoy reading that excerpt. It sounds so relaxing.

Maybe I will travel back in time a bit. Seriously, with one hard blink of an eye, FQ 08, Christmas break, and New Years passed by just like that. There is a ridiculous amount of thigs to eflect upon. So much has happend, but everything is jumbled in my mind. Time to myself the past quarter, and especially during break, has been minimal. With that, I think it really took a toll on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Stretched thin in terms of handling and dealing with responsibilities, burdens etc. internally. In turn, I also realized how little I depended on God, and how much I relied on myself to resolve my problems - which is OBVIOUSLY a fail. Now, we are about to step into fourth week of WQ already and my friend and I have been feeling tenth week for the past few weeks. I definitely did not enter WQ with much enthusiasm, or feeling refreshed. But I will talk about that more later. Some man once said something along the lines of this, "My day is SO BUSY, i have SO MUH stuff to do, that this day, I need to pray 3hrs, and not 2." like Justin said today at FNF, the man knew what he needed. ponder upon that (:

a blessing i would like to mention is New Year's eve. It was the first time (ok maybe second) that I did not count down with my family alogside Jade Channel 228 - yes the cantonese channel. But that is not really the main point, although it was quite zeee excooitement for me. :P counting down at the wong's house with like a gajillion other fcbcWalnuters was a sweet, sweet feeling of.. oh i don't know. family? familiarity? But surely it reminded me of this experience:

This was FCBCW youth winter retreat 05. It was my senior year of high school and we had the opportunity to spend new year's eve counting down on some mountain (excuse my bad memory) and worshiping together as one big happy family - to lots and lots of chris tomlin music and hymns haha. it was THE year the members of fcbcw class of 06 each brought a bottle of apple cider up to celebrate (: it was GUREAT. It has already been three years and I am extremely blessed and encouraged to see how far this class has gone, how everyone has grown, and how God has graciously granted us the opportunities to gather as a class each break. Seeing so, so many of my peers step up in ministry has been MIND BLOWING i tell ya. I see them at youth retreats counseling the youngsters. I see them serving in junior high and high school as full time counselors - commuting every weekend just to minister to these kids... and many more. Lookin at this, seriously, can you deny God's work? shoooot. I LOVE YOU ALL (: see you guys at the 2009 Chris Tomlin concert!

Progressive Dinner is tomorrow (rather. TODAY)! i was going to go home for chinese new years. but the seniors. i must admit. are SO WORTH it (:

some songs I really, REALLY like:

she was mine _ aj rafael & jesse barrera

showstopper _ aj rafael
something special _ usher

the glories of calvary _ sovereign grace music

only in the cross _ sovereign grace music

until next time,

"This is the day which the Lord has made;

Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

- Psalm 118:24

Team s.t.ë.k.

Last noights felt like tenth week or something ridiculous like that. I broke my own record, sleeping at 4am during the second week of school due to. well. obviously. homework. However, I once again woke up to a danceable, heel-clickable, sunny day :) and what made it even better, seriously only by the Grace of God, the website we are supposed to design for (which I was working oh.too.intently on all day yesterday) is now due on monday! THANK YOU GOD.

and what does this have to do with team stëk? nothing. really.
but. aside from grasping your attention (at least i hope it did)
i would like to mention how ridiculously awesome this team name is.
this is how Jon, Francis, Daniel, and I came up with it for cogs102B.

Thought Process (cut down to the most important parts):

1. How about animals?
   Turtles? I like turtles.
2. How about a classy name?
   CLASSY TURTLES! kill two birds with one stone!
   "and now, here are the classy turtles...." errrr. no.
3. What about an accronym?
   like. "sick" studies of ethnographic cultures...
   isn't that sec (pronounced as seck. not sick)
4. head scratcher for the longest time. while one. namely jon
   was still stuck on his classy turtles hahahhha.
5. HOW ABOUT TATER TOTS?
   ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. no.
6. hey. how about steak?
   you know. it's like a classy type of food.
7. OH! and it can stand for "Studies of The Ethnographic Cognition".
8. isn't that stek... "steck"...
9. HEY how about those german things
   or some accent. that can change the pronounciation.
10. and here we have "Team s.t.ë.k."
    it encompasses the essence of. everything.
    we got the creativity. the not-so-seriousness.
    the closet nerd behind it all with the accronym.
    AND. it is internationally sound. what more can you ask for? 8]

by the way. you read it as steak. but with a low german voice. so team is high pitched and stek is low.

Days like these.

Even carrying a bulky bag of. shtuff. and walking home for a good ten, fifteen minutes from the shuttle stop cannot hinder my urge to do a lil jig (not that i know how to do one), or get some heel clickin' action going on, because the warm, sunny, slightly breezy SAN DIEGO weather is back! :) the past month has been butt-freezing. that is, by California standards of course. But i am finally able to wear just a tshirt, a pair of jeans and good ol pair of flip flops to school without shriveling up into a ball (or dressing bummy). When the world is not watching, I would also like to skip down the road and sing along to aj rafael's ever so cute song, "When the Sun Sets on Hawaii" - mmhmmm. San Diego wil do i suppose. It still has the sun and the beaches and a very clear, smog-free sky.



"Light is sown like seed for the righteous
and gladness for the upright in heart.
Be glad in the Lord, you righteous ones,
And give thanks to is holy name."
- Psalm 98:11-12

and hopefully. i will continue to learn
the meaning and beauty of joy.
that i may feel like doing a lil jig, heel click,
and dance around despite gloomy weather & circumstances
knowing that i have something bigger, and much better to rejoice in.