This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a year now. It is about time I actually call it a wrap and move on to, well, another unfinished post... heh. Anyway, I owe this post to all of Facebook's stalkerish glory and am utterly grateful to have stumbled across a middle school friend's blog because of my occasional stalking habits :)
The following three articles spell out every thought and emotion that I, for years, was unable to gather for myself, let alone explain to some of my closest friends. I wish I had come across these earlier! They would have, at the very least, alleviated my confusion and distress in trying to get others to look beyond the confines of the "Asian-Americans" and "Fob" stereotypes. There were times I felt like I was both and other times I felt like neither. It was never so simple of a definition, to the surprise of many.
The differences between Asian-Americans and Third Culture Kids
Third Culture Kids "don’t want to choose one thing over another. They want to have both."
"Experience is what identifies you, and the Asian American and TCK experiences are ultimately different."
Borrowed identities my life as a Third Culture Kid and an accidental Asian-American
"When someone asks the dreaded “Where are you from?” to an Asian-American, it means something different to them than it does to a Third Culture Kid. To most Asian-Americans, it’s an offensive question, because it’s a form of micro-aggression, a soft rejection that designates them as “others” and denizens, people who are forever foreigners and don’t belong in a land they feel is rightfully their home as well for being born in or immigrating to, and adopting the values and attitudes of being an American. To them, it’s denying them the American Dream because of their race."
The Japanese tale of Urashima Taro on home repatriation Third Culture Kids Asian Americans and my father
"Is home a place where my dog and my lover await with the door open and a loving embrace to welcome me with? Is home a frame of mind like paradise is? Some say the answers come from within, but I say the best way to discover who I am is to travel and find what is habit, what is adopted culture or behavior, and what within me remains constant wherever I go."
"Home is where the heart is" is actually a very accurate statement. I shall expand upon that later, but nothing too serious or in-depth because the articles practically spoke it all for me. Some of you may have witnessed my episodes of nostalgia, pockets of I-really-miss-my-childhood-friends, vents about why I cannot be in Asia right now, complaints of why no one understands, and bundled up anger at those trying to confine me with their stereotypical understanding of who I am. First, thank you for listening and sharing my emotional moments even if you may not fully understand my experiences and sentiments. Second, as my close friends, I hope that those articles will help you better understand my occasional strange behavior that I myself even lacked the words for. And third, forgive me for placing a verdict - that you are stereotypical and ignorant - on you when I never clearly explained my sentiments to you in the first place.
For a long time, I tried to be as American as possible to fit in with my predominantly ABC community. To a certain extent, I was able to, but that effort robbed me of my true cultural identity. Ironically, shifting to the other extreme proved futile as well. I looked at the "fobs" at my high school and could not identify with them either. And for a long time, that was my confusion. What "type" of person could I really identify with?! If you really want to know more, you can read my "Stirrin up a big commotion" post, or any other post really because this topic is a juicy topic for me to discuss, all day, any day :P
I have returned to the U.S. for over a decade now and still, I continue to learn about myself, about this "phenomenon", and am increasingly convinced that regardless, it will never be HOME until I see Jesus face to face. As years went by though (ha, and I'm talking as if I'm well into my 70's or something bizarre like that), I've come to realize that different people and experiences are really at the heart of "home". And cultures and languages fall under that too. I listen to Korean and Spanish music when I think of certain people or am away from what makes up most of "home". I listen to Chinese music when I feel suffocated in an overwhelmingly white-washed Asian-American environment. I listen to English music when I feel tongue-tied from speaking too much Chinese in a day. I need to find people to say "akheyyy" to even though my Armenian goes as far as that and "ut mek ut". I would randomly throw out random Korean or Spanish words. I would randomly switch from English to Chinese and vise versa - whatever bests expresses my thoughts and sentiments in the moment. There are just some things you can't translate! Don't even get me started on food. Honestly, most of these things are quite superficial. I am not very engaged or well-versed in "traditional" Chinese or American things. Just little bits and pieces here and there. Perhaps it is a combination of those little things that make up a part of home for me too because that is how my family rolls! It is all a balance and it really is about what I need in the moment to feel complete, and well, at home!
And to conclude, I will respond to the last phrase from the last quote I posted up: "...and what within me remains constant wherever I go" :God.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" - Hebrews 13:8
"For the mountains may depart and the hills may be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you" - Isaiah 54:10.
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