I need a dose of Asia.

for some odd reason, the title almost sounds like i am on drugs...
warning: LONG, thoughts - don't expect too big of a point by the end.
i just had to get some scattered thoughts out of my head. maybe i will fine tune it next time.

Anyways, it has been way long since I have posted something on this blog.
I have been writing, that is for sure, but I confess it is only in the privacy of my own, well... lap top.
Even though I love journaling with paper and pen, and the fact that I own physical journals brings some odd satisfaction to my reminiscent self, something about the clicking of the (mighty) loud keys on my Qosmio (it is a Toshiba of some sort) allows for better thought process, flow, and also somehow betters my vocabulary usage. I, of course, would prefer reading through old sophisticated and elegant sounding entries (I would like to make myself believe that at least) as opposed to mere broken sentences packaged into a "paragraph".

I digress. So yes, I have been making frequent visits to my own journal. In fact, as much as I complain about this dull, boring, i-am-stuck-in-LA-and-SD summer, i must say it is one of those summers that provoked a lot of thought, reflection, and various types of emotional responses. I almost do not even know where to start...

Perhaps I will start with something that has been on my mind all summer. Actually, it is something that has always been with me but usually only accentuated when triggered - cultural identity, or lack thereof.

I watched "Flower Drum Song" the other night with my mom, a somewhat underdog, and what I think is a totally underrated Broadway production based off of the novel, haha Flower Drum Song by CY Lee. It is about cultural clash between generations - traditional Chinese parents, children who grow up with the American spirit and ideals, but ultimately focused on a romance story of course. However, one thing (of the many) that stuck was when the aunt said something along the lines of, "I am proud/happy to be both American and Chinese", followed by the song Chop Suey. Immediately, I thought, "am i more chop suey? or am i more HK-cafe?" - i know, i tend to reference or analogize food. they make a lot of sense in my head, and possibly only in my head : ) go figure. It is not the fact that I oftentimes differ in my outlook on life or in moral views than that of my parents', but more so the struggle in finding where I belong. Perhaps, even "belong" is the incorrect word because usually I can fulfill my need for American-ness with one group of friends, and fulfill my need for Asian-ness with another. Somehow, I always long for a group that... i don't know, pertains to both cultures equally? From my experience thus far, that is far too ideal. Sometimes, I can find that comfort in those who share the same type of experience as I have - expats, those who have traveled around and lived in various places etc. Unfortunately, that is quite rare here.

Here is a slight jump that I promise will relate in the end. I dug up part of an entry I wrote some time in August.
In addition to Wang Lee Hom's talent, good looks, humility, and character (haha, i am so biased), perhaps another aspect that I am drawn to is his style of music. When he integrates both eastern and western styles, while I may not have especially appreciated traditional or ethnic Chinese music, somehow the mixing of the two gives me a sense of familiarity and comfort in the midst of my "lack of cultural identity". Maybe, just maybe, it is one outlet for my lack of cultural belonging, because he combines both east and west quite skillfully. Here is an excerpt:

不停的听王力宏的北京”man in the mirror” cover。 是他对 michael Jackson 的 Tribute。 非常好听。一点都不像原本的那种感觉。他真的很会 own up 一首不是他的歌。他加了二胡在他的版本里，我觉得更显然他的“chinked out” 风格。以前我也不大会欣赏他中西合璧的音乐文化，可是听多了，不但习惯了，还蛮喜欢的，因为他的音乐能够将我几个混在一起的世界用一首歌的歌词跟音乐很完美的表达出来。或是这一点使我更喜欢他，因为他能够将我的内心世界，将我formulate不到的思想，话，跟过去都表达出来。：）

I'll attempt an English version, but usually whatever comes out first mirrors my thoughts and heart the best (which would be right up there). Not sure if the following would do it justice. but, sall good :] Actually, since I journaled in Chinese before, and am writing it in English now, I added in some thoughts.

I have been listening to Wang Lee Hom's cover of "Man in the Mirror" on repeat. He did a tribute to Michael Jackson in his Music Man concert in Beijing. The cover was done beautifully and though a completely different feel from the original, I must say this guy really knows how to own up a song that is not his. He added the Erhu in his version, which highlights his "chinked-out" style, and definitely does the song justice with his ridiculous vocals. In my opinion, the meaning and passion expressed in the original was no less portrayed in LeeHom's cover. I thought his mix of style actually enhanced the piece (maybe because it is my biased opinion towards him hehe). In the past, I failed to appreciate his eastern-western mix type of musical genre - some of his work can really be quite out there, and straight up, WEIRD), but the more I listen, the more I have become accustomed to such a style. No, not merely accustomed... I thoroughly enjoy and like it. Why? Because his music style and lyrics somehow very successfully and beautifully express my mixed-up-worlds. Perhaps, this is exactly the point that has drawn me to his work - because he can outwardly express my inner thoughts, past experiences, words, that I am unable to formulate, whether it is through lyrics of a song or the style of a piece.

* side note: "chinked-out" is a term he coined for his style of music, meant to use in a positive light, instead of the known negative one he grew up with in NY - not that I would fully understand the negative connotations of it since no one has used it on me before.

Sounds like too much thinking and analyzing into all of it huh? Perhaps. But it is what it is for me. I myself cannot even explain or even understand why all of that is soothing to me, but it just is. Too many times, certain thoughts and feelings are just kind of stuck in my head and I am unable to express it, which can be quite frustrating. When there is an appropriate channel, I cherish it. People have asked me what my first language is, what language I think in, what place I consider home... and I NEVER know how to answer. It is ridiculous. It is along the lines of something complicated like...

I probably learned Canto first, but English became my primary language, but then I moved to HK and ditched English for a while and Cantonese became my "first language" (if that even exists in such a situation by now), then had to pick up English again in Shanghai since I went to an international school, so I suppose my English and Canto became half half, with an addition of Mando into the collection... and now at this point (2009) I am left with prooobably English as "first", Canto as conversationally decent, but American sounding when I try to explain things, and Mando is straight up abc sounding or canto with a tweak...

yeah. something very complicated like that. same goes for any other aspect.

I apologize if I do not make any sense at all. Things are probably just as jumbled in my head, as they are publicly. Either way, many times God has concluded this mess for me, not necessarily by providing some earthly fulfillment of this strange void, but rather reminding me where my identity lies and where my true home is. I am extremely thankful that my identity is ultimately in Christ Jesus, and not in something dumb like my cultural background, my success etc. I am thankful that my citizenship is in heaven, or else I might go crazy trying to figure out where "home" is for me. Speaking of Home, it is a similar problem. In each place I've lived in - Nor Cal, Hong Kong, Shanghai, LA, San Diego, there are various people, places, and experiences that make up what is "home" to me I suppose. There is no specific place that is my true earthly home. THEREFORE, despite my mumbo jumbo head, somewhat inconclusiveness, thank you God for the bigger picture. I seriously would go nuts otherwise. mms, once again, Kingdom Perspective - and how awesome it is to be united in Christ with brothers and sisters around the WORLD.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" - 2 Cor 4:16-18

"But according to His promise we are looking for new heavens and a new earth, in which righteousness dwells" - 2 Peter 3:13

- vans.

Not an easy truth.

And when God reminds me that I deserve worse. yesterday. today. and every day. I am left speechless. because I am doing much better than i deserve.

L.O.L.

in regards to wang lee hom's scruffyness in a video.
anna's epic quote of the day.

tarebear1122: but he needs to shave
tarebear1122: he looks like a 小混混

HAHAHA. i love my roomie.
and. wang lee hom is a favorite.

The Silent Savior.

I saw one hanging on a tree
In agony and blood
Who fixed His loving eyes on me
As near His cross I stood
And never till my dying breath
Will I forget that look
It seemed to charge me with His death
Though not a word He spoke

My conscience felt and owned the guilt
And plunged me in despair
I saw my sins His blood had spilt
And helped to nail Him there
But with a second look He said
“I freely all forgive
This blood is for your ransom paid
I died that you might live”

CHORUS
Forever etched upon my mind
Is the look of Him who died
The Lamb I crucified
And now my life will sing the praise
Of pure atoning grace
That looked on me and gladly took my place

Thus while His death my sin displays
For all the world to view
Such is the mystery of grace
It seals my pardon too
With pleasing grief and mournful joy
My spirit now is filled
That I should such a life destroy
Yet live by Him I killed

The Look - Sovereign Grace Music

in CJ Mahaney's message, More Desirable than Gifts,
I remember vividly his description of the story of the leper who returned to worship Jesus.
All the healing and miracle jazz happened on His way to Jerusalem.
Christ had US. you. & me. on His heart & mind in the midst of all of this.
He was on His way. to the Cross.

"Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him.

He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He did not open His mouth;
Like a lamb that is led to slaughter,
And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers,
So He did not open His mouth."

Isaiah 53:4-7

Dream Big.

Photo taken at La Jolla Shores '08; edited by Leon.

"So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeedin in the matter for which I sent it"
- Isaiah 55:11

Lo and behold, I am already half way through the second week of spring quarter.
I cannot begin to express how glad I am that winter quarter finally "belongs" to my past. & that I am done with it.
Spring break was unproductive. I think last quarter was so intense I could not get myself to do anything during break.
While my un-productiveness fueled my watching of "Miss No Good" (Wilber Pan has an awesomely cute smile) and led me to watching an absurd amount of Youtube (i think I have maxed my spring quarter's quota already), time spent with the familia and amigos were precious :] I realized the older I get, the more I treasure my time at home... but really. where is home?!

This quarter has been good thus far.
There were many firsts since week one of school.

First internship experience
I intern at The Virtual Reality Medical Center through UCSD's Academic Internship Program.
10 hours a week. 5hours on Wed, and 5hours on Thurs. Thus far, it has been an awesome experience.
Essentially, I am doing what I learned in Cogs187a - multimedia design - last quarter. Horrah! something practical.
I am a one man team redesigning the company's website. haha. 8]
The company is rather small. there is a 3-men team (literally MEN) working on, everything, really.
They do the graphics, they do the 3D simulations, they attempt product design, they change the lights, they build the bookshelves. It is interesting. But I enjoy it. The environment is chill, and I have many opportunities to broaden my haha. horizons. or something of the sort :) Not only that, all three graduated from SD and we've had the same professors (man those profs have been around for a while HAHA). My highest supervisor is Canto. My other one is Viet. My food culture is like a fusion of them two! There is also a Greek doode, in which they like to call him - hairy.
I have been getting a very small glimpse of the "working world". I can see how life without school and the support of a fellowship and the active involvement in various ministries can be challenging for anyone to "go out there and LIVE OUT the christian life". Everything would seem to be a bit duller. It got me thinking. It is in these times and situations that I would have to seek out every opportunity to be a light to those around me, whether it is through my actions or my attitude, or when presented with the opportunity, explicitly sharing the Gospel. Praise God for TChu :) because she is mostly working, I learn so much from her desire to be an influence to the kids she teaches, and her desire to exhibit Christ-like love towards them.

First volunteer session with A.R.T.S. - A Reason to Survive.
This is a non-profit org that provides free art, music, or performance arts programs for children and youth who are abused, neglected, sheltered, homeless etc. I have been looking foward to this for a very long time. I assist a lead volunteer for a Friday class and last Friday was my first time there. We have 8 kids, all unique in their own way and ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.
They all come from different and very complicated backgrounds - some have lost one or the other parent, others have heavy metal poisoning, and others, autism. It is my prayer that I be a light to these children and that one day, even if it may not be explicitly through me, that even in their circumstances, they see the hope found in Jesus Christ. These kids are crazy. and hyper. but they make me happy, warm & fuzzy inside, just like the picture to the left does :)


Philippines 08 - Dale: Pastor John and Ate Grace's lil bundle of joy <3

First time sleeping earlier and getting decent amount of sleep.
First time enjoying 2/3 of my classes + internship.
don't have much to elaborate on those two :)

And now I come to my seemingly irrelevant blog title - dream big.
Sometmies I wonder what the boundaries of "dreaming big" entail. I think I would consider my ambitions to become a celebrity, a singer, a renown.. someone... as dreaming way big, to the point of impracticality (but no, I really do not want to be those figures haha). On the other hand, as the issues of child soldiers, children of war, etc. are increasingly heavy on my heart, my recent "dream" for serving in Uganda (at least for one short term trip) seems to be less surreal and closer to an actual possibility. At the same time, the idea of it seems so far fetched I do not know whether this is God pressing it on my heart, or whether it is a random notion of compassion springing from who knows where. And I ask myself, why this particular group? There are many others who are in need and in various capacities. Why specifically child soldiers? Children of War? Honestly, I don't know, but i do know that only the Gospel offers a hope that truly sets them free from the horrors, guilt, and trauma of the prolonged war in Northern Uganda. And I do not think, or in anyway want to undermine the importance of the Gospel and what we are saved from - nastaay sinful selves that even these victims have no pardon for. Paul David Tripp once said, "The hope of the cross is in its willing sacrifice of One for the sake of another". How beautiful, and how great that ultimately, we are not only saved from our sinful selves, but that we get to enjoy God FOREVER. Worship. is lacking. in so many places around the world. So if God calls me to, I pray that He will give me the courage, boldness, and trust, to follow Him - wherever, whenever. As for Uganda, it is just a very specific place I want to go to for a specific group - even more so after watching War Dance (GREAT DOCUMENTARY btw, watch it if you haven't!) However, everything is very uncertain. I do not know if this would happen in the near future, some time down in life's journey, or if ever at all. But please pray that I will not fear, in this sense, "dreaming big", that I would earnestly pray for the opportunity, and God willing, He will provide open doors, and if not, then I can stop pursuing it so intensely, but until then, pray that I will not loose heart in doing so! I don't want my fears, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy trick me into thinking what God can do, even if it seems so insane and impossible. Many times, I feel like I have had such a blessed family, childhood, pretty darn smooth life, that I am in no place to minister to this particular group of people because I will never, EVER, understand their pain and experiences. However, I am also reminded that God uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. In addition, Jesus has used so many seemingly lowly and of no importance to society for His purposes. Since I am a mere vessel, priveleged to serve a great God and be part of a great Kingdom. why not BE that vessel then?

and if you read all the way through, dang. Thankee. much appreciated!
SLEEP TIME. blogging takes up so much. time and energy! haha.

goodnoights.

Pushups for the win. sort of. not really.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust."
- Psalm 103:8-14

I was reminded of what Rand Cho preached about at Gospel Night a few weeks ago. In comparison to all that is written in this particular psalm, I find myself living the opposite. I am quick to anger, and definitely not abounding in lovingkindness. What happened today magnifies my sinful self. It was a humbling experience to reflect on Jesus the great High Priest. How much more injustice and misunderstanding did he bear? No words can describe. As TiffChu said, even "crap" would be an understatement to the extent of dejection and loneliness Jesus must have felt. It is not even the mere doings of the people of His days, but in our doubt, in our desire to be kings of our little kingdoms, and in our lack of faith, we ultimately question and mock Christ's character. I was angry because i felt judged unjustly.. by a vis arts professor who does not even know me personally. It is a pathateic comparison and pales to what I do to God.

When I felt judged and ridiculed for my character by my vis professor, especially when most of it was not true, i was so quick to anger. It happened more than once and so past anger fueled the rage I experienced today. Had I spoken anything that was going on inside my head out loud, it would have not been pretty or edifying. at all. The only time i remember such anger (with things related to academics) was when I was accused of cheating in english my junior year of high school. I almost broke a pencil (i guess if triggered, my inner rage is no good). Today, I had my walk from office hours to the shuttle stop, the shuttle ride to ralphs, and the walk from ralphs to home, to calm down. I was angry to the point of tears and resorted to 10 pushups and a nap - which were beneficial. During my walk home, God continuously convicted of my impure thoughts and turned my eyes to Jesus the Great High Priest, just as Chris Wu preached at FNF. Nonetheless, it still took me a while to overcome my emotions.

Even now, I get angry thinking about it, but at a lesser extent. Please pray for a forgiving and loving heart, a gentle spirit, and an attitude that mirrors Christ's attitude so that I may be a light to those around me - esp because i have two more times to see the prof in this stressful, easy-to-loose-patience two weeks.

Pieface, I don't know where you MIAed to, but thank you once again, for hearing me out and being the more rational side of me. Apologies to you for getting the worst of me for these, wow, 6 years? I must admit, sometimes I just want the affirming uh huhs and awws, but I appreciate your gracious correction in putting things into perspective even though i don't always want to hear it. Some of it was not easy to take in, and initially all i felt was dissapointment and frustration at your seeming lack of compassion and understsanding. but, I know you spoke those words out of genuine care and encouragement. Thankee for being there, for sharing, and bearing with me.

likewise, thankee for putting things into persepctive TiffChu.
"but we must remember trials are the norm, not the exception"
so true. and i appreciate the reminder. woohoo for words of wisdom.

all in all. in thinking how unfair i was treated,
and how wrong it may have been for my professor to say the things she did to me.
and even though i felt like the complete victim.
I still got rocked. by God. haha. humbling experience.

one day to finish my vis145b proj. eeps.

Praises.
- Got AIP internship for graphic design! -- Grace like rain.
- much laughter with Jon and Daniel in our deliriousness while attempting to do cogs102b.
- my apartment. and their sillyness.
- my bed. washikea. and blankies.
- Bible.

goodnoights all.

He will my shield and portion be. As long as life endures

The New Children's Museum, downtown SD

Beautiful Lord, wonderful saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands
Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence
Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord
To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling
Set me apart
I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me
Use me, Fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hands
Hold me, Guide me
Lead me, Walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Much has happened since the last time I blogged.

From getting a vehicle violation,
"your license number was recorded"
in the Ralph's parking lot...

): sad. haha. now i am paranoid even if i am
parking at Ralphs. not for school purposes.

to experiencing one of the most heart-felt, warm,
makes-me-want-to-throw-up-rainbows-and-lucky-charms
fcbcW 06 reunion at the ever amazing Chris Tomlin concert...
trust me. i will DEFINITELY blog much more on this
when spring break rolls around. (and the long due aj rafael concert!)

i love this class. a lot. :)

and on and on it goes...
i would love to elaborate more,
but as finals approach,
(well they start for me. now)
the dear projects are beckoning me. horrah.

Nonetheless, God has been extremely faithful.
and Gracious. might I add.
My initial death-of-me tenth week,
is now balanced between tenth and finals week.
so i suppose finals week is not going to be so chill after all.
but. thaaaaas aiteeee.
It is still and going to be pretty dang busy.
but. had my deadlines not been moved,
i think i would not be able to complete everything
EVEN if i do not sleep. that would not be pretty.
so. seriously. praise God for being so gracious.
and always providing so abundantly.
I realized. how my perspective.
has shrunken pathetically to the size of
my little kingdom. rather than the glories of
His INFINITELY LARGERRR one.
(read a Quest for More by Paul David Tripp!)
Business became my excuse.
and i claimed all the time and energy for myself.
time and energy that do not even belong to me.

food for thought.
are you being a good steward of GOD'S TIME?
are you patting yourself on the back for being productive and not wasting YOUR time?
or are you content in your productivity knowing that you have not wasted GOD'S TIME?

Father, the things of this world pale compared to your Glory.
help me see, and live for the Greater, and the more transcendent.
Turn my eyes, and renew my heart with the Gospel each and every day.
Allow me to exclaim joyfully every morning,
"this is the day that the Lord has made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

i apologize. my thoughts are not quite coherent.
and i don't even know what the point of this entry is.
i shall return to my studies now.
and i leave you with a verse.
that inspired the song, Everlasting God.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the
Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary."

Isaiah 40:28-31.

Grace alone,
- vans.